How to Sleep Better When Anxiety Keeps You Awake

TL;DR

Schedule a daily 5 to 15 minute deliberate worry session, ideally in the afternoon or after dinner and never right before bed, and write every worry down. Sort the list into actionable and hypothetical worries, plan the next smallest action for the actionable ones, and wholeheartedly accept what you cannot control. This teaches the brain that bedtime is not worry time.

Transcript

In this video I'm going to talk about how worry and anxiety can make it hard to fall asleep, and I'll teach you how to train your brain to stop worrying at night. Do you ever have that problem when your brain won't shut off? Like you're tired from a long day and you're finally getting to bed after all of your to-do's and then you just lay there not... Read More

Key Insights

• Worry based insomnia is a trained response, not a broken sleep system. Repeatedly thinking through the day after lying down builds a paired association between the bed and worry time, so the brain starts treating lying down as a cue to get to work.
• The brain forms paired associations the same way an ad with a beautiful hamburger makes your mouth water. A consistent pre bed routine, such as putting on a sleep mask, pairs with sleepiness and helps trigger sleep hormones like melatonin.
• Worry cannot simply be switched off because it serves a function: it is the brain trying to keep you safe and get things done. Productive worry helps you remember to take out the trash or pay bills, and it prompts action that prevents problems.
• Unproductive worry is worry that arrives at the wrong time, spins into endless hypotheticals, or spirals into anxious thinking patterns. It floods the body with stress hormones and can create anxiety about anxiety, such as worrying that worrying will prevent sleep.
• The antidote to worrying at bedtime is processing emotions, worries, and thoughts while awake. Facing your concerns during the day gives the brain time to work through them so they do not surface when there is nothing left to distract you.
• A culture of constant distraction blocks the brain's background processing. Distraction runs while driving, exercising, and eating, and people take phones to the bathroom because two minutes of sitting seems too boring, which prevents worries being resolved while awake.
• Deliberate worry means intentionally and consistently setting aside a time each day to address worries and make a plan. This signals to the brain that the worries will be handled, so it stops raising them at bedtime, much like a nagging mom stops asking once the trash is out.
• Writing worries down is essential rather than optional, because something about putting them on paper makes them far more manageable. The session usually takes about 5 to 15 minutes, though it may run longer at first if things have been avoided for a long time.

Questions & Answers

Q: How to stop your brain from worrying when you're trying to sleep

Train the brain to worry elsewhere rather than trying to force it to stop. Set a consistent time each day, roughly 5 to 15 minutes, to sit down and write out every worry. Sort the list into actionable and hypothetical worries, write the next smallest action plus a phone reminder for each actionable one, and wholeheartedly accept what cannot be solved right now. This signals to the brain that the worries are being handled, so it stops raising them at bedtime. It is a lasting solution, not a quick fix, so plan on doing it consistently for a few weeks.

Q: What is deliberate worry?

Deliberate worry means intentionally and consistently making a time each day to address your worries and make a plan about them. Rather than suppressing worry, it relocates it to a chosen slot while you are awake. The point is to send a message to your brain that the concerns will be taken care of, so it does not have to keep reminding you when you are trying to fall asleep. It works like doing a computer update early so the machine does not force one at an inconvenient moment, and it typically takes only about 5 to 15 minutes a day.

Q: When should you schedule your daily worry time?

Choose a consistent time that works for you and set a reminder in your phone for it. Do not do it right before bed, since that reintroduces worry into the bedtime window you are trying to protect. Suggested slots are right after lunch, right after dinner, or sometime in the afternoon. Consistency matters more than the exact hour, because the goal is to build a reliable habit over a few weeks so the brain learns that worries get processed at that time instead of at night.

Q: Why does anxiety get worse at night when you lie down?

Two things stack up. First, if you have repeatedly thought through your day while lying in bed, your brain has built a paired association between the bed and worry time, so lying down becomes a cue to start working. Second, staying busy or distracted all day prevents the brain from running its background processing, so unresolved concerns surface at the only moment nothing else is competing for attention. Those worries then trigger the stress response, which keeps you awake and can spiral into anxiety about being anxious.

Q: How do you tell actionable worries from hypothetical worries?

After writing your list, go through it and highlight which worries you can actually act on, separating them from worries that are hypothetical or imagined danger. Calling a worry hypothetical does not mean it is fake or impossible, only that it is not something you are choosing to act on in the present moment. Using coronavirus as the example from the video, hypothetical worries sound like What if this lasts for years or What if I catch it, while actionable worries sound like what reasonable preventative measures can I take or how can I schedule my day during lockdown.

Q: What should you do with the worries you can act on?

Create a plan for each actionable worry. Write down the next smallest action using a verb, an action word, and then set a reminder to take that smallest step tomorrow. You do not need to solve the whole problem in one sitting. Examples given include setting a phone reminder for tomorrow morning to make a schedule if you are worried about a long day ahead, or making a plan to look up patterns for a homemade mask if you are worried about protective gear. Choosing only the next smallest actionable step is what keeps the practice sustainable.

Q: Why doesn't forcing yourself to stop worrying work?

Worry serves a function, so it will not simply obey an order to stop. It is the brain trying to keep you safe, get things done, and make sure tasks are taken care of. Productive worry is what reminds you to take out the trash or pay your bills, and it helps you take action and prevent problems. As Nick Wignall is quoted saying in the video, if you want your dog to stop pooping on the grass you have to train it to poop somewhere else. The same logic applies to worry: give it a different time and place rather than trying to eliminate it.

Q: How is worry like a computer update?

Computers need to pause occasionally to update the system, organize files, or update software. If you are always too busy to allow the update, the computer either breaks or forces the update at an inconvenient time. Your brain works the same way. It handles urgent tasks in the forefront of your mind, but it also holds important tasks that can be postponed for a while. Keep postponing them and the brain brings them up when you finally have nothing to distract yourself with, which is usually bedtime. Doing the update earlier, on purpose, avoids the forced one.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Brains and bodies are naturally good at sleeping, so poor sleep usually means a habit has been built that keeps the brain switched on. Repeatedly thinking through the day while lying down pairs the bed with worry instead of sleepiness, and the brain learns that lying down is the signal to start working.

• The fix is not forcing worry to stop, because worry serves a protective function that helps people remember tasks and prevent problems. Instead, worry has to be retrained to happen elsewhere. Processing emotions, worries, and thoughts while awake during the day removes the backlog that surfaces at night.

• Deliberate worry has four steps: write every worry down at a consistent daily time, highlight which worries are actionable versus hypothetical, write the next smallest action with a verb plus a reminder for actionable ones, and wholeheartedly set aside what cannot be controlled right now.