How to Set Goals That Support Who You Want to Be

TL;DR

Set goals around who you intend to be now, then treat each outcome as a flexible way to serve that intention. Ask why a goal matters five times, review your progress through daily, weekly, and monthly rituals, and update the plan as reality provides new information. Success becomes learning and growth, rather than merely reaching a finish line that may feel empty.

Transcript

We set goals to get what we want in order to be happy. Yet, over and over and over again, I've witnessed and experienced how the opposite is true. I grew up with ADHD and often experience the shame and the frustration of failing to accomplish my goals. On the other hand, I invented a way to accomplish my goals only to find that it could feel even w... Read More

Key Insights

• Traditional goals require uncertain predictions about both desire and execution. When setting a goal, people are farthest from the future reality they are imagining, so they cannot yet know whether the desired outcome will feel satisfying or whether their original plan will work.
• The arrival fallacy is the difficulty of accurately predicting how a future event will make someone feel. Achieving money, a body, a relationship, a job, or a company may therefore produce a different emotional result from the happiness anticipated when the goal was created.
• Goals containing a strong sense of what someone should want may be inherited from parents, peers, or popular culture. According to Ryder Carroll, such goals are motivated by shame and can eventually become difficult to sustain because their direction does not arise from a personally chosen intention.
• Intentional goals focus on being in the present rather than merely getting something in the future. A goal such as writing a book can support the present intention of becoming a better writer because the process requires consistent practice, regardless of whether the book is ultimately completed.
• The five-whys exercise reveals why a goal genuinely matters. Writing down a goal and repeatedly asking why it matters can trace a surface objective, such as earning more money, back to a deeper intention, such as protecting a family and being a good parent.
• Goal plans need to evolve as they encounter reality. Initial plans are based on limited information, while action reveals unexpected complications, emotional reactions, and practical results. The useful response is to update the plan repeatedly, rather than follow assumptions that experience has shown to be inaccurate.
• Reflection rituals provide emotional, intellectual, and organizational hygiene for ambitious goals. Daily, weekly, and monthly reviews help distinguish a bad goal from a bad week, reconnect action with meaning, and determine whether the current approach still serves the person one intends to become.
• The value of an intentional goal is measured by what the process teaches about who someone is becoming. Success or failure at a finish line becomes secondary to questions such as whether building a company improves leadership or whether writing a book develops writing ability.

Questions & Answers

Q: What is an intentional goal?

An intentional goal is a goal chosen to support who a person intends to be in the present. Unlike a traditional goal centered on obtaining a future outcome, it treats the outcome as one possible vehicle for practicing a valued identity now. Writing a book, for example, can serve the intention of becoming a better writer through consistent writing.

Q: How do you identify why a goal really matters?

Write the goal in a notebook and ask why it matters five times, answering each question before asking again. A desire for a better job might lead to more money, less worry, family safety, protecting children, and finally the intention to be a good parent. The resulting intention helps evaluate whether the original goal is an appropriate path.

Q: Why can achieving a goal feel worse than failing?

Achievement can feel worse than failure when the completed outcome does not provide the expected emotional experience or desired life. Ryder Carroll spent nearly two years launching a company, reached profitability two weeks after launch, and then realized that owning the company was not what he wanted. The goal ended, but its underlying purpose had never been clarified.

Q: Why should a goal plan change over time?

A goal plan should change because it is initially created with the least information a person will have about the future reality. Action exposes mistaken assumptions and unexpected effects, such as a diet producing weight gain, a new hire initially adding work, or a course being more complicated than expected. Updating the plan uses evidence revealed through experience.

Q: How do reflection rituals help with long-term goals?

Reflection rituals interrupt autopilot and create regular opportunities to examine what is actually happening. Ryder Carroll uses daily, weekly, and monthly reviews, including a Sunday assessment of what worked and what did not and a monthly question about whether the goal still serves its intention. These check-ins support emotional connection, practical adjustment, and continued clarity.

Q: How can you tell the difference between a bad goal and a bad week?

Review recorded evidence about your actions, thoughts, feelings, and results over time instead of judging the goal from one difficult period. Regular reflection can reveal whether a temporary setback came from a specific week or whether the goal repeatedly fails to serve the underlying intention. This distinction prevents premature abandonment while still allowing necessary course corrections.

Q: Why are intentional goals compared to lighthouses?

Intentional goals resemble lighthouses because they provide orientation while a person navigates unfamiliar territory. Sailors use a lighthouse for guidance rather than treating it as the place they must reach. Similarly, an intention offers direction without requiring perfect prediction, allowing the chosen goal and plan to change as reality reveals better routes and new information.

Q: How should success be measured with an intentional goal?

Success should be measured by whether the process helps someone become the person they intend to be and by what they learn along the way. Finishing a book becomes secondary to becoming a better writer now. Useful review questions include whether a company develops better leadership, whether training supports better parenting, and whether current actions still serve the intention.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Traditional goals depend on uncertain predictions about what people will want, how they will obtain it, and how success will feel. Ryder Carroll describes launching a profitable company after nearly two years of effort, only to discover that owning it did not provide the happiness he expected and instead left him feeling worse.

• Intentional goals shift attention from acquiring a future result to embodying a valued identity in the present. A person who intends to become a better writer might pursue a book because consistent writing supports that intention. Asking why a goal matters five times can uncover the identity or value beneath its surface outcome.

• Plans should evolve because they are created when people have the least information about the reality ahead. Daily, weekly, and monthly reflection rituals reveal what worked, what failed, and whether a goal still serves its intention. Recording thoughts, feelings, and actions provides the evidence needed to learn and course correct.