How to Overcome Awkwardness and Read Body Language

TL;DR

Awkwardness in a first impression comes from a trifecta: shrinking your body when nervous ('turtling'), which shortens vocal power, and accidental 'uptalk' (a question inflection). Uptalk makes listeners shift from listening to scrutinizing because liars use it. Soft skills like these can be learned even if they do not come naturally.

Transcript

Why don't you study for people like you study for chemistry? Why don't you study conversation and body language just like you study for subjects? Vanessa Van Edwards is a behavioral researcher, a best-selling author, an instructor at Harvard University, and a self-described recovering awkward person. I know I'm a recovering awkward person. I am the... Read More

Key Insights

• First impressions form in less than a second, based on non-verbal cues like whether two people are angled toward each other on parallel lines, which the brain prefers, versus angled halfway away.
• The distance between your ears and shoulders is a key anxiety cue: when afraid, people 'turtle' by sinking the head and creeping the shoulders up to take up as little space as possible.
• Turtling shortens vocal power because it reduces oxygen, adds neck tension, and clenches the jaw, which lowers volume and makes a person sound nervous during a first impression.
• Uptalk, or an accidental question inflection, shifts a listener's brain from listening to scrutinizing because liars often use it, subconsciously signaling that something is off even when the speaker is not lying.
• Space between the torso and arm signals comfort, while keeping arms tight to the side signals discomfort and an instinct to protect vital organs, though it can also stem from bad habits, cold, or allergies.
• The verbal first impression usually happens on the word 'hello,' where vocal flexibility or its absence is immediately detected by the listener.
• Uptalk has external causes (showing deference or harmlessness, or anxiety about a boss or negotiation) and internal causes (self-doubt, imposter syndrome, feeling unworthy), where people 'ask' their name, value, or salary.
• The book's main target is competent, well-prepared people whose social anxiety and awkwardness stop them from sharing good ideas, because they are anxious about their presence, not their ideas.

Questions & Answers

Q: How do you overcome awkwardness in a first impression?

Awkwardness comes from a trifecta of related behaviors, so awareness of each helps. First, nervousness makes you take up as little space as possible by turtling, sinking your head and creeping your shoulders up. This shortens vocal power and adds neck tension. Second, you clench your jaw, lowering volume. Third, you use uptalk. Vanessa Van Edwards stresses that these are learnable soft skills that can be studied just like you study for chemistry, even if they do not come naturally to you.

Q: What is uptalk and why does it make people distrust you?

Uptalk, also called a question inflection, is when your voice rises at the end of a statement as if asking a question. When a listener hears an accidental question inflection, their brain shifts from listening to scrutinizing. The reason is that liars often accidentally use the question inflection because they are subconsciously asking 'Do you believe this?' Even if you are not lying, the movement triggers the part of the brain that senses something is off, because people do not want to hear someone questioning themselves.

Q: Why does body posture affect how people perceive you?

People make very quick impressions, often in less than a second, based on non-verbal cues. Being angled toward someone on parallel lines is preferred because the brain loves it, while angling halfway away creates disconnect. The distance between your ears and shoulders reveals anxiety, since fearful people turtle down. Space between your torso and arm signals comfort and that you are not protecting your vital organs, while keeping arms tight to your side signals discomfort. Observers read these signals almost instantly.

Q: What is the 'turtling' body language cue?

Turtling is when a person sinks their head down and creeps their shoulders up toward their ears, taking up as little space as possible. It happens when we are anxious or afraid, and we often do it unconsciously in first impressions while saying 'nice to see you' in a compressed posture. The distance between your ears and shoulders is Vanessa's favorite distance to watch. Turtling matters because it shortens vocal power by reducing oxygen, adding neck tension, and clenching the jaw, making you sound nervous.

Q: What are the external and internal causes of uptalk?

Uptalk has two factor types. External causes include trying to show deference or submissiveness, signaling you are not a threat, or being made anxious by an outside source like a boss or a negotiation. Vanessa hears it often in sales when someone states a price, which internally signals they are unsure and that there is room to negotiate. Internal causes are more interesting: self-doubt, feeling you do not belong, feeling unworthy, or imposter syndrome. These make you 'ask' your name, value, salary, or answer regardless of the outside situation.

Q: Can soft skills like body language actually be learned?

Yes. Vanessa Van Edwards opens by asking why people do not study conversation and body language just like they study for chemistry or other subjects. She describes herself as a recovering awkward person and says she is the person she tries to help. Her core message is that soft skills can be learned even if they do not come naturally to you. She addresses specific learnable details such as how long a pause should be and how many pumps belong in a handshake.

Q: Who is the main audience for Vanessa Van Edwards' work?

Her primary target is competent, well-prepared people who unconsciously present themselves as less capable than they actually are. These people have very good ideas, are book smart, and would be great hires, but when they get in the room they have social anxiety and awkwardness and do not know how to read cues. Their prey behavior, uptalk, and bad non-verbal habits appear because they are anxious about their presence, not their ideas. What makes her angry is watching brilliant people fail to show their competence.

Q: Why shouldn't you always trust the anxiety signals someone gives off?

Jordan Peterson asks why we should assume a gap exists between how someone presents and their actual competence, rather than concluding their anxious 'prey' behavior is accurate. Vanessa offers two reasons. One is bad habits: a person may hold their arms tight not from nerves but from habit, cold, or allergies. The bigger reason is that many people have genuine competence and good ideas but no idea how to share them, so their awkwardness reflects anxiety about their presence rather than a deficit in their ideas or ability.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral researcher, Harvard instructor, and self-described recovering awkward person, argues that soft skills like conversation and body language can be studied and learned just like chemistry, even if they do not come naturally to you.

• A trifecta of awkwardness sabotages first impressions: nervousness makes people shrink and turtle their shoulders up, which weakens the voice, and then uptalk, an accidental question inflection, triggers the listener's brain to scrutinize rather than listen.

• Uptalk stems from external factors like showing deference or anxiety, and internal factors like self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Her real target is competent people whose social anxiety prevents them from sharing brilliant ideas in interviews and meetings.