Daniel Amen on Raising Mentally Strong Children

TL;DR

Raising mentally strong children starts with not solving all of their problems. Kids should make mistakes while the consequences are still affordable, so they learn agency and responsibility. Parents also need clear goals and a strong bond, built through 20 minutes a day of undivided time with no commands, questions or directions. Without that connection, parents have little influence over their children's values.

Transcript

you do not solve all of your children's problems that's the heart of love and logic it's you want kids to make mistakes and you want them to pay the consequences so they learn before we jump into this episode I'd like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier healthier and more healed all I want ... Read More

Key Insights

• The first principle of raising mentally strong kids is that parents must be mentally strong themselves and model the message. That begins with clarity about what kind of parent they want to be and what kind of child they want to raise.
• The heart of the Love and Logic approach is that parents do not solve all of their children's problems. Children should make mistakes and pay the consequences so they learn agency.
• Mistakes are most valuable when the consequences are affordable, and the earlier the better, around ages four, five or six. Parents can still keep protective limits in place, like bumper guards at a bowling alley.
• A Harvard study followed 454 inner-city Boston schoolchildren for 70 years. The only thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether they worked as children or had responsibilities at home.
• Parents who gain their own self-esteem by solving their children's problems rob the children of self-esteem. In affluent homes where everything is done for the child, children may never develop a sense of agency.
• A useful compliance measure is how many times out of 10 a child does what is asked the first time without arguing. Seven is average for healthy kids, while children with difficulties often score below three.
• Oppositional behavior is often brain-driven rather than will-driven. When parents ignore noncompliance or simply repeat the request, they teach the child to keep ignoring them, because the brain is lazy.
• Special Time means 20 minutes a day doing something reasonable that the child chooses, with no commands, questions or directions. It works like a deposit in a relational bank and builds the attachment parents need for influence.

Questions & Answers

Q: How do you raise mentally strong kids?

According to Dr. Daniel Amen, parents first need to be mentally strong themselves and model the message. The first principle is clarity: deciding what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of child you want to raise. The second is bonding, building attachment through regular time together. Parents should also avoid solving all of their children's problems and let them experience the consequences of their own mistakes.

Q: What is the core idea of Love and Logic parenting?

The heart of Love and Logic is that parents do not solve all of their children's problems. Children should be allowed to make mistakes and pay the consequences so they learn agency. Dr. Amen co-wrote the book with Charles Fay, president of the Love and Logic Institute. He argues that the approach builds independence, responsibility and free thinking rather than mere obedience or entitlement.

Q: Should parents bring a forgotten homework assignment or lunch to school?

Under the approach Dr. Amen describes, no. If his daughter Chloe forgot her homework, her mother would not bring it to school. Then she would forget it only once. If parents always rescue the child, they end up bringing the homework every time. Leaving behind a sweater or lunch works the same way, because it teaches the child: I am responsible for my life and I will pay the consequences.

Q: At what age should children be allowed to make mistakes and face consequences?

Dr. Amen says the earlier the better, around ages four, five or six, while the consequences are still affordable. Parents can keep protective limits in place, much like bumper guards at a bowling alley. The point is to let children experience small, manageable consequences early so they build responsibility and agency before mistakes become costly later in life.

Q: What builds self-esteem in children according to research?

Dr. Amen cites a Harvard study that followed 454 inner-city Boston schoolchildren for 70 years. The only factor that correlated with self-esteem was whether a person worked as a child or had responsibility at home, such as a paper route or an outside job. He warns that in affluent homes where everything is done for the child, children may not develop a sense of agency.

Q: How do you get comfortable watching your child be uncomfortable?

Dr. Amen admits it is hard. Parents need to keep the big picture and the long game in mind: they want to be effective and present, and to raise a child who is independent, competent and strong. Doing too much for the child robs them of self-esteem, responsibility and agency. Seeing that outcome ahead of time helps parents resist the urge to step in.

Q: What is Special Time and how does it help bond with a child?

Special Time is an exercise Dr. Amen calls magic. For 20 minutes a day, a parent does something the child wants to do that is reasonable and fits in 20 minutes. The phone is put away, and during that time there are no commands, no questions and no directions. It is simply time together, and he describes it as money in the relational bank.

Q: Why does my child not do what I ask the first time?

Dr. Amen asks parents how many times out of 10 their child does what is asked the first time without arguing. Seven is the average for healthy kids. For the difficult children he treats, it is zero or fewer than three. He says this is often brain-driven rather than will-driven, and that ignoring the behavior or repeating the request teaches the child to keep doing it.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Dr. Daniel Amen says raising mentally strong children starts with parents being mentally strong and modeling the message. The first principle is clarity: knowing what kind of parent you want to be and what kind of child you want to raise. Children around six or seven can also be asked what they want from the relationship.

• The Love and Logic approach, from the book Amen co-wrote with Charles Fay, tells parents not to solve every problem for their children. In one example, Amen's wife Tana stopped fighting with her daughter Chloe over homework and let her face the consequences. Chloe grew into an independent, hardworking free thinker with agency.

• The second principle is bonding. Without a relationship, parents have no influence, as Amen learned when he voted against his father's wishes in 1972. He recommends Special Time: 20 phone-free minutes a day doing something the child chooses, with no commands, questions or directions, as a deposit in the relational bank.