This KEEPS 90% Of People Single! (BIGGEST DATING MISTAKES) | Matthew Hussey & Jay Shetty

TL;DR

Getting nervous on a date signals you are valuing the wrong things, like looks or status, instead of how someone connects with and treats you. A great date proves someone is charming, but connection, consistency, and showing up over months and years is what actually reveals a good partner.

Transcript

if you are getting crazy nervous on a date you're already that's already a reflection of the fact that you've valued the wrong things one of the biggest problems is people falling for people really quickly yes falling in love too fast where it's because they went on a couple of great dates with a guy and they can look at the date and go he was amaz... Read More

Key Insights

• Falling in love too fast is one of the biggest dating problems because people build a fantasy of a person after only a few great dates, extrapolating 95 percent of who someone is from the 5 percent they have actually seen.
• Nervousness on a date reflects valuing the wrong things. If you value looks, status, or perception you can be nervous, but if you value how a person connects with, relates to, and gives to you, that nervousness disappears.
• A narcissistic streak in early dating is the desire to impress rather than connect. Everyone has it to some degree, and a great date may be about the feeling someone wants you to have, not genuinely about you.
• You cannot know a partner's real quality until later stages. A person who is great in week eight but ghosts you in week nine simply had eight good weeks in them, not sixteen.
• Mindful dating means being on the date you are on, not date two or date thirty-two in your imagination. When your mind constructs the future, you are living off fantasy rather than the reality in front of you.
• Heartbreak is the loss of the imagined future life you thought you would have with someone. You end up grieving a fantasy your mind scripted, obsessing over what a person could have been rather than what they actually were.
• The Talented Mr. Ripley illustrates charming people: when Dickie's attention shines on you it is like the sun, but when it moves on it is very cold. Many charming people lose their shine and prove flaky over time.
• The poet versus poetry distinction is key: many people are charming poets on a date, but poetry is the actual relationship. Poets are a dime a dozen while people willing to write the poetry over years are rare and worth valuing far more.

Questions & Answers

Q: Why do people fall in love too fast when dating?

People fall in love too fast because after a couple of great dates they judge the whole person by that performance. Matthew Hussey explains that a person can deliver the greatest date of your life, and you go away thinking they are amazing, but you actually know nothing yet. The mind writes decades into the future, constructing a fantasy of who the person is and where the relationship is going before the second date is even over.

Q: Why do I get nervous on dates and how do I stop it?

Getting crazy nervous on a date reflects that you have valued the wrong things, like the person's looks, status, or what you perceive them to be, rather than valuing them in relation to you. Hussey says you should value how much they give, how they connect with you, how they relate to you, and how they see you. When you value those right things, the surface qualities become a zero, so there is nothing to be nervous about, which is the key to eliminating early dating nerves.

Q: What does it mean that everyone is a poet but few write poetry?

The poet-versus-poetry analogy, drawn from a Bukowski story, means many people are charming and romantic on a date, making them poets, but the actual relationship is the poetry. Hussey says poets are a dime a dozen, while poetry is rare. People willing to write the poetry of a relationship, sticking with you for one, two, five, or ten years, are genuinely rare, so you should value the poetry far more than you value the poet.

Q: How do you get closure after someone ghosts you?

According to Hussey, the action of someone ghosting you is itself the closure. If a person is still great in week eight but suddenly ghosts you in week nine, it does not mean they would have been great in week sixteen. What they showed you is that they had eight good weeks in them. Rather than obsessing over what they could have been, you accept that their action gave you the closure you were seeking.

Q: What is mindful dating?

Mindful dating means being on the date you are actually on, rather than mentally living in date two or date thirty-two. Hussey explains that when people fail to do this, they start constructing a fantasy of where the relationship is going and who the person is. Drawing on Jay Shetty's mindfulness expertise, the point is that your mind must be present with your body on the current date, so you experience the reality in front of you instead of an imagined future.

Q: Why does heartbreak hurt so much?

Heartbreak hurts because it is the loss of the life you thought you were going to have with someone. Hussey says you sit and obsess over what the person could have been, grieving something that was actually not meant to be. His answer is that if it should have been and could have been, then it would have been. Because it did not happen, by definition it was not meant to happen, so the idea it was supposed to be is fantasy.

Q: Is everyone who charms you on a date a narcissist?

No. Hussey loathes the current culture of quickly labeling everyone a narcissist. He distinguishes a diagnosable narcissist from a narcissistic streak, which everyone has to differing degrees, especially early in dating. That streak is the desire to impress rather than connect. Exhibiting narcissistic behaviors at times does not make someone a diagnosable narcissist, so a great date driven by the desire to impress is common human behavior, not proof of a personality disorder.

Q: Why can't you know someone's true character from early dates?

You cannot know someone's true character early because you only see about five percent of them and build the other ninety-five out of extrapolation. Hussey lists moments you cannot yet know: how they act when your brother gets sick and you need support at the hospital, how they respond to your anxiety, or how they navigate year three when your sex life needs work. Even ten or fifteen wonderful dates cannot reveal how someone handles these deeper stages.

Summary

In this video, the speaker discusses the pitfalls and misconceptions of dating and falling in love too quickly. They emphasize the importance of valuing the right things in a relationship and how early nerves can be a reflection of valuing the wrong things. They also discuss the need for intentional dating, creating a culture of connection, and the importance of being honest and vulnerable in relationships. The speaker also touches on the concepts of idiot compassion and wise compassion, and the significance of listening and allowing others to hear themselves.

Questions & Answers

Q: What are some reasons why people fall in love too quickly?

One of the biggest problems is people falling for people too quickly because they value the wrong things. They may have had a couple of great dates and become infatuated with the person's appearance, status, or other superficial qualities without truly knowing them. We often fall into the trap of impressing rather than connecting with someone, which can lead to misguided feelings of love early on.

Q: How can early nerves be a reflection of valuing the wrong things in a relationship?

If you are getting crazy nervous on a date, it's likely that you are valuing the wrong things in that interaction. Nervousness often arises when we are overly concerned with someone's looks, status, or what they can offer us. True value in a relationship comes from deeper connections, understanding, and mutual support. When we focus on the right things, such as how much the person gives, connects, and relates to us, we can eliminate early nerves and build stronger relationships.

Q: How can we create a culture of connection in dating?

We often find ourselves part of a culture that promotes superficiality and selfishness in dating. However, we have the power to create our own culture. By being intentional in our dating and focusing on true connections rather than games or superficial qualities, we can influence the dating environment around us. When we bring positive energy, compassion, and authenticity to our interactions, we attract and bring out the best in others. This helps us find genuine connections and build healthier relationships.

Q: What are the signs of a healthy relationship early on?

In the early stages, it's important to look for a person who genuinely seeks to understand you and shows compassion. Pay attention to how they react to vulnerability, conflicts, or honest conversations about the relationship itself. Do they judge or show curiosity? Are they willing to apologize and work on themselves? Healthy relationships involve both partners being a team that supports and understands each other, even through difficult moments. It's also crucial to assess how someone argues, as productive and rebuilding arguments are key to a healthy relationship.

Q: How can we navigate the fear of rejection in dating?

The fear of rejection often leads us to stay in stagnant or unfulfilling relationships. However, it's important to remember that rejection is a natural part of dating, and we shouldn't let it paralyze us. When approaching dating, we should give an amount of energy we're willing to lose. By taking risks, being open, and showing our true selves, we attract people on a similar wavelength and discover genuine connections. Rather than fearing rejection, we should focus on finding people who reciprocate our energy and value us for who we are.

Q: What is the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion?

Idiot compassion involves enabling or avoiding tough conversations to maintain false harmony. It's when we don't address or challenge problematic behavior in others, whether out of fear or discomfort. Wise compassion, on the other hand, entails holding up a clear mirror to help someone see themselves and navigate through life more effectively. It means being able to listen and offer support without fixing or ignoring the truth. Wise compassion is about fostering growth and understanding, even if it means discomfort or facing difficult revelations.

Q: How can we create space for meaningful conversations and honest sharing in relationships?

We often tend to focus on sharing problems or negative experiences, but it's important to create a balance in our conversations. Choosing the right audience is crucial, as not everyone is willing to truly listen and offer support. It's also essential to develop the art of deep listening, where we allow the other person to hear themselves by providing a safe space for vulnerability. This involves resisting the urge to immediately problem-solve and instead offering empathy, understanding, and compassion.

Q: Why do we sometimes struggle to be honest with others while expecting honesty from them?

There's a dichotomy between our online presence, where we often share only positive aspects of our lives, and our in-person interactions, where we tend to focus on problems and complain. However, we need to be aware of how we communicate with others and whether we are truly listening. Sometimes, we demand honesty from others but struggle to provide it ourselves. It's important to examine our own motivations and be willing to listen and share honestly, creating a balance in our relationships.

Q: How can we shift the conversation from problem-driven to positive in our interactions?

Choosing the right audience and being intentional in our conversations are key components in shifting the narrative. Often, we use our friendships to unload problems without truly listening to others. However, becoming better listeners and creating space for positive conversations allows for mutual growth and understanding. We can choose to focus on sharing positive experiences, aspirations, and gratitude, which not only strengthens our relationships but also fosters a more positive mindset.

Q: How can we choose healthier patterns and relationships?

We must recognize the choices we make that contribute to repeating unhealthy patterns. This involves taking responsibility and being aware of our own role in creating unhappiness or discomfort. Therapy can be helpful in understanding these patterns and making conscious choices to break them. It's essential to also recognize that it's okay for others to not forgive or accept us. Sometimes, we need to focus on forgiving ourselves and making the necessary changes to create healthier relationships and a happier life.

Takeaways

Creating meaningful connections and building healthy relationships require us to value the right things and be intentional in our interactions. Nervousness and early nerves often stem from valuing superficial qualities, whereas focusing on deeper connections eliminates early nerves. We have the power to create our own culture of connection, promoting authenticity, compassion, and positive energy in dating and relationships. Healthy relationships involve genuine understanding, effective communication, and the ability to navigate conflicts. It's important to listen, be honest, and create space for vulnerability in our conversations. Recognizing the difference between idiot compassion and wise compassion helps us offer genuine support and encourage growth in others. By taking responsibility for our choices, embracing vulnerability, and choosing healthier patterns and relationships, we can create a happier and more fulfilling life.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• One of the biggest dating problems is falling for people too quickly after a couple of great dates. A person may deliver an amazing date, but that performance can be about the feeling they want you to have by the end, not genuinely about you. You still know nothing yet.

• Nervousness in early dating reveals you are valuing the wrong things, like looks, status, or your perception of someone, rather than how they give, connect, relate to, and see you. Valuing the right things eliminates early nerves because those surface qualities become worth zero.

• Real partner quality only shows over time, through sickness, anxiety, and later relationship stages. Charming people can lose their shine and prove flaky. The relationship itself is the poetry, and people willing to write it over years are rare and deserve to be valued more than charming poets.