How to Sustain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

TL;DR

To sustain desire in a long-term relationship, couples must reconcile the need for security with the need for adventure, as both are fundamental to eroticism. Maintaining sexual privacy, prioritizing foreplay, and understanding that passion will wax and wane allows couples to intentionally keep desire alive. Erotic intelligence, involving imagination and novelty, is key to overcoming the crisis of desire in modern love.

Transcript

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever? And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right? And why is th... Read More

Key Insights

• 💑 Good sex fades in long-term relationships, and intimacy doesn't guarantee good sex. Desire is complicated and not always easy to maintain. The forbidden is often erotic because of the transgression involved. Sex can lead to babies, which can disrupt the erotic dynamic in a couple. Sustaining desire in a committed relationship requires reconciling the need for security and adventure. Erotic desire is cultivated through imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, and mystery. Desire thrives when individuals take ownership of their desires and maintain a sense of self. Erotic intelligence involves understanding the poetics of sex and cultivating desire as an antidote to death. Couples need sexual privacy and understand that passion waxes and wanes. Premeditated and intentional sex can help maintain desire in long-term relationships.
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Questions & Answers

Q: Why does good sex often fade in couples who continue to love each other?

Good sex often fades in couples who continue to love each other because desire needs novelty, mystery, and risk. Once a couple becomes comfortable and familiar with each other, the element of surprise and excitement diminishes, leading to a decline in passion.

Q: Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?

Good intimacy does not guarantee good sex because intimacy is focused on emotional closeness and connection, while good sex requires a sense of separateness and adventure. The qualities that nurture intimacy, such as predictability and reliability, can sometimes stifle desire, which thrives on novelty and unpredictability.

Q: Can we want what we already have?

Wanting what we already have is a common challenge in long-term relationships. The familiarity and routine can lead to a decrease in desire. However, by cultivating erotic intelligence and maintaining a sense of mystery and curiosity, it is possible to reawaken desire for one's partner.

Q: Why is the forbidden so erotic?

The forbidden is often considered erotic because transgression and breaking societal taboos can create a sense of excitement and thrill. The element of danger and rebellion can enhance desire by introducing a sense of risk and novelty.

Q: Why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

Sex can lead to the creation of babies, and the responsibilities and demands of parenting can often disrupt the sexual dynamics between couples. The focus shifts from pleasure and desire to the needs and responsibilities of raising a child, which can be detrimental to erotic desire.

Q: How does love feel?

Love is characterized by a sense of closeness, security, and the desire for connection with one's partner. It involves wanting to have and know the beloved, and a sense of minimizing the distance between them.

Q: How is desire different from love?

Desire is different from love in that it is characterized by a craving for novelty, adventure, and excitement. Desire does not necessarily require emotional closeness or security, and it often involves wanting an Other who is somewhat mysterious and elusive.

Q: What sustains desire in a committed relationship?

The reconciliation of two fundamental human needs - the need for security and the need for adventure - is crucial in sustaining desire in a committed relationship. It requires finding a balance between the desire for closeness, predictability, and permanence, as well as the need for novelty, risk, and the unknown.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• The speaker explores why desire often fades in long-term relationships and why good intimacy does not guarantee good sex.

• There is a crisis of desire in romantic relationships in modern society, as individuals seek both security and adventure in their partnerships.

• Erotic couples have sexual privacy, prioritize foreplay and understand that passion waxes and wanes, but can be resurrected through intention and focus.