Simon Sinek on Finding Your Why and Staying Optimistic

TL;DR

Nobody decides their why; they discover it, because a why is a deep-seated purpose, cause or belief formed by upbringing. Sinek found his after facing what he thought was bankruptcy, collapse and humiliation, and only because a friend noticed something was wrong. He argues ideas worth being stubborn about are the ones you cannot stop thinking about, and a gift unshared is selfishness.

Transcript

welcome to the stage author of Molly's game Molly bloom [Applause] hello everyone so I am here with Simon sinek yes and the way I met Simon is kind of strange I became friends with some of the police Chiefs in my town because I'm a friend of law enforcement now rule following citizen and um one of the police Chiefs she's a woman she's extraordinary... Read More

Key Insights

• A why is discovered, not decided, according to Sinek, because it is a deep-seated purpose, cause or belief we all carry as products of our upbringing. The work is putting that gut-level driver into words through a journey of discovery.
• The test for which ideas to stay stubborn about is compulsion. Sinek compares it to artists who cannot explain why they paint or dance and answer only 'I can't not.' Ideas with that much soul are the ones never to quit.
• Sinek answered a hostile audience member who called him naive and useless in the real world with 'so don't do it, next question.' He says he never saw his job as convincing people because he does not think he is right, only that he has a point of view.
• Struggle often reveals a why faster than deliberate searching. Sinek had to face what he thought was bankruptcy, collapse and humiliation before discovering his cause, and says he could not have done it alone.
• Lying, hiding and faking is exhausting, and Sinek was so good at it that even his family did not recognize his dark place. A friend saw it, said something was not right, and that intervention freed the energy he had been spending on the pretense.
• Discovering a why did not launch Sinek's path; wanting to share it with friends did. They made large life changes with confidence, invited him to their homes, and he found himself in living rooms talking about the why, which sparked the realization he had something to give.
• The friends exercise finds your why by asking a close friend 'why are we friends?' then converting it to the rational form 'what specifically is it about me that I know you'd be there for me no matter what?' The emotional brain does not control language, so why questions stall.
• Chanel bars newly hired senior executives from speaking in meetings for their first 90 days. Sinek endorses the rule because new employees feel they must talk in every meeting to prove the hire was correct, when the company already knows they are smart.

Questions & Answers

Q: How do you find your why according to Simon Sinek?

Sinek says a why is discovered rather than decided, and offers the friends exercise as one route. Go to a friend you love who loves you, the kind who would take your call at three in the morning, and ask why are we friends. Do not use a sibling, parent or spouse, because they think they know you. When they struggle, switch from why to the rational form: what specifically is it about me that I know you'd be there for me no matter what. He also mentions his book Find Your Why and online material.

Q: Why does the friends exercise avoid family members?

Sinek explicitly rules out doing the exercise with a sibling, a parent or a spouse, saying it does not work because they think they know you. The point of the exercise is to force someone to articulate a feeling they have never put into words, and family members reach for a ready-made account of who you are instead of struggling toward the answer. The exercise needs a friend you love and who loves you, with the mutual three-in-the-morning test as the standard.

Q: What did Simon Sinek say to the man who called him naive?

During Q&A after a talk to a large group of entrepreneurs and business owners, the first person to take the microphone did not ask a question. He said he thought Sinek was naive, that Sinek had never run a multi-billion dollar company, that his ideas were useless in the real world and that it would never work. Sinek's answer was 'so don't do it, next question.' He explains it was not difficulty on his part: he never saw his job as convincing people, because he does not think he is right, only that he has a point of view.

Q: How do you know which ideas to quit and which to keep pursuing?

Sinek's test is compulsion. He compares it to an artist's sensibility: ask an artist why they paint or dance and they do not understand the question, because the answer is 'I can't not.' Not all ideas carry that compulsion and not all of them feed our souls. The ideas with so much soul that you cannot stop thinking about them are the ones to be stubborn with and never quit. For the others, you can reasonably figure out a time to walk away.

Q: What is Chanel's 90-day rule for new senior executives?

Sinek describes a rule at Chanel that new senior executives are not allowed to speak in meetings for the first 90 days of their employment. The company wants them to shut up and listen. His explanation of the reasoning is that new employees so often feel they have to talk in every meeting to prove the company made the right choice in hiring them, when the company already knows they are smart and has already hired them. Sinek says he thinks the rule is correct.

Q: Why does Simon Sinek say you don't have to prove yourself when given an opportunity?

Sinek argues that when someone gives you a shot, puts you on a stage with a microphone, gives you a job, opens a door or makes an introduction, you have already been vetted. Somebody else has already decided in your favor. He says young people in particular do not realize this, and points to new employees who feel compelled to speak in every meeting to justify the hire. The Chanel rule barring new senior executives from speaking for 90 days is his example of the healthier alternative.

Q: What role did struggle play in Simon Sinek discovering his why?

Sinek says you can go through a process of discovery because you decide you want to, but very often struggle reveals your why to you. In his case he had to face what he thought was bankruptcy, face collapse and face humiliation before he discovered what his cause was. He notes his story is not dissimilar to Molly Bloom's, who had to hit bottom before realizing who she was, though he adds that he is not a convicted felon.

Q: How did a friend help Simon Sinek through his lowest point?

Sinek describes spending all of his energy pretending he was happier, more successful and more in control than he really felt, and says lying, hiding and faking is exhausting. He was so good at it that even his family did not recognize it, but one friend did and told him something was not right. He came clean, and all the energy that had gone into lying, hiding and faking went into rediscovering passion instead. He says he could not have done it alone.

Q: What turned Simon Sinek's why into a career?

By his account it was not the discovery itself but the wanting to share it. He loved his friends and wanted them to have what he had found, so he told them. They started making crazy life changes and huge decisions with total confidence, then invited him to their homes to share it with their friends. He found himself literally standing in someone's living room talking about this thing called the why, and that is what ignited the spark that he had something to give.

Q: What does Simon Sinek mean by a life of service?

Sinek connects service to the idea of a gift. He points out that people are often told they have a gift, and that the very definition of a gift is that it is supposed to be given. On that logic, if you have a gift and you are not sharing it, he thinks you are simply being selfish. His own experience of discovering his why and then compulsively sharing it with friends, who then made large changes in their own lives, is what he says taught him what a life of service means.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Molly Bloom introduces Simon Sinek by describing how a woman police chief in her town, part of a group Sinek assembled to improve law enforcement, insisted they meet. Bloom frames his work with leaders and organizations as moving culture out of a fear-based, self-preservationist mind into a higher, more conscious state.

• Sinek recounts being booed, heckled and having his credentials questioned in the early Start With Why days. One entrepreneur called him naive and his ideas useless; another opened with 'what are your credentials?' He answered 'none' and elaborated that he holds no advanced degrees and made no formal study of the subject.

• The why itself is not chosen. Sinek describes it as the deep-seated purpose, cause or belief behind gut feeling, formed by upbringing, and reachable either by choosing a journey of discovery or through struggle. His own came after facing what he thought was bankruptcy, collapse and humiliation.

• A friend who noticed something was wrong let Sinek stop lying, hiding and faking, and the energy redirected into rediscovering passion. Sharing what he found with friends, who then made large life changes, led to living-room talks about the why and the realization that he had something to give.

• The friends exercise offers a practical route. Ask a friend who would take your 3 a.m. call why you are friends, avoid siblings, parents and spouses, refuse to help them, and play devil's advocate until they stop describing you and start describing themselves. Multiple friends give similar answers.