Brian Grazer: ON How to Become A Confident Communicator & Connect With Anyone Genuinely

TL;DR

Human connection begins with eye contact: looking at someone calmly, without ambition or agenda, and genuinely feeling them. This validates the other person and makes both of you feel human. Real connection is never a tactic or strategy; people can sense constructed, ambitious behavior and it pushes them away.

Transcript

we're living in like you know an epidemic of loneliness and it's just accelerating where there's we are so connected but the possibility of loneliness is even more and loneliness is there's pain and you can't measure it and i just think this thing of looking at somebody is the beginning of getting out of pain yeah hey everyone welcome to on purpose... Read More

Key Insights

• Human connection begins with eye contact, specifically looking at someone calmly and without ambition. Really looking at a person while relaxed and interested validates them as a human being, and in turn you also feel human.
• Connection cannot be a technique or manipulative strategy. Brian Grazer says his approach was never a strategy but simply what happened, and people can feel when behavior is constructed and not real, especially if they are paying attention.
• Fallibility strengthens connection rather than weakening it. When you reach into your authentic self you will say stupid things and make mistakes, but if someone feels your soul they forgive it, and it often becomes the connective tissue of the relationship.
• Ambition-driven networking backfires. Early in his career Grazer went to a Hollywood party specifically to meet CBS executive Donald March, felt artificial and nervous, screwed up the interaction, and March never called him back again.
• Grazer vowed to only attend events he could genuinely enjoy rather than treating them as ambitious strikes. He refuses to approach situations as a surgical, ambitious strike because he does not think that manipulative approach works.
• Loneliness is described as an accelerating epidemic despite increased digital connectivity. Grazer frames looking at somebody as the beginning of getting out of the pain of loneliness, which cannot be measured.
• Painting became Grazer's path into human connection through his daughter Sage. They began painting together when she was about five, and though she stopped, he continued to this day, using acrylic, oil, oil stick, and pencil to highlight faces.
• Being around someone with no agenda is transformative. Jay Shetty connects Grazer's point about connecting without ambition to his monk experience of spending time with people who wanted nothing from him and had no agenda for him.

Questions & Answers

Q: How do you start connecting with someone according to Brian Grazer?

According to Brian Grazer, human connection begins with eye contact, specifically looking at someone calmly and without ambition. You do not need to pause or do anything weird; you simply have to really look at the person, be relaxed, be interested, and feel them. This generous act validates the other person as a human being and makes them feel human, and in turn makes you feel human too, placing you at the very beginning of the pathway to getting to know them.

Q: Why does Brian Grazer say human connection is not a tactic or strategy?

Grazer says connection cannot be a technique or manipulative strategy because people can feel when behavior is constructed and not real, particularly if they are paying attention. When people credited his movie and television success to a great strategy, he responded that it was not a strategy but simply what happened. He has desires and intentionality within his work, but the connection itself is genuine and authentic rather than a manipulative approach used to get something from people.

Q: What happened when Brian Grazer tried to meet Donald March at a party?

Early in his career, just before turning 24, Grazer was desperate to meet Donald March, who ran movies and television for CBS. He believed getting into a big Hollywood party would make important people call him back. He got in but felt incredibly uncomfortable because the situation felt planned, constructed, and artificial. He met March, got nervous, was out of his honest real zone, screwed up the interaction, and March never called him back again.

Q: How did Brian Grazer get involved in painting?

Grazer got involved in painting through his daughter Sage. When she was about three or four, they played invisible Barbies, and he wanted to transition into an activity they could do together. Around age five they decided to paint together, something he had never done, having never worked with ceramics or painting before. Sage soon stopped painting, but Grazer continued and still paints to this day, using primarily acrylic, then oil, oil stick, and pencil to highlight faces.

Q: What does Brian Grazer say about loneliness?

Grazer describes society as living in an epidemic of loneliness that is accelerating. He notes that although we are so connected, the possibility of loneliness is even greater. He emphasizes that loneliness involves pain that you cannot measure. For him, the simple act of looking at somebody is the beginning of getting out of that pain, framing eye contact and genuine attention as a remedy for the isolation that persists despite increased connectivity.

Q: Why does being authentic and fallible help connection?

Grazer explains that when you reach inside yourself and access your most authentic self, you inevitably say things that are stupid and make mistakes because you are fallible. You have to be willing to let that fallibility happen. However, if somebody feels your soul, they forgive those mistakes and often really enjoy them. That vulnerability usually becomes part of the connective tissue in the connection, bridged from the initial set point of simply looking at somebody.

Q: What is the connection between having no agenda and genuine relationships?

Jay Shetty connects Grazer's idea of connecting without ambition to his own monk experience, where he benefited from spending time with people who had no agenda for him. Being around someone who wants nothing from you, is not trying to manipulate you, and has no agenda is powerful. Grazer's approach mirrors this because it is a genuine, authentic way of relating rather than a manipulative strategy or tactic for getting something out of the interaction.

Q: Why does Brian Grazer avoid attending events purely for ambition?

After his failed party experience with Donald March, Grazer vowed never to attend a Hollywood party purely as an ambition. He decided he would only go if he thought he could have a good time, be naturalistic, or have an interesting experience or adventure, so it becomes a real thing he is doing. He rejects approaching situations as a surgical, ambitious strike. When asked to fly to Saudi for one meeting, he initially felt that was not him, though he later went and had a valuable experience.

Summary

In this podcast episode, host Jay Shetty interviews Brian Grazer, an Academy Award-winning producer and author, about the art of human connection. They discuss the importance of face-to-face conversations, the power of observation and preparation, and the role of redemption in storytelling.

Questions & Answers

Q: How did Brian Grazer get involved in painting?

Brian got involved in painting through his daughter. They started painting together at a young age, and while his daughter eventually stopped, Brian continued and still paints to this day. They both found a deep connection through painting.

Q: What does human connection mean to Brian Grazer?

Human connection, to Brian, starts with eye contact. It's about looking at someone calmly, without ambition, and truly seeing and feeling them as a human being. This act of looking and being interested in someone validates them and creates a pathway to getting to know them on a deeper level.

Q: How does Brian Grazer develop patience to stay interested in someone?

Brian believes that every conversation has the potential to produce something of value, even if it starts off awkward or seemingly uninteresting. He stays curious and finds ways to connect with the other person, whether it's through shared experiences or asking questions about topics they might be interested in.

Q: How does Brian Grazer let go of control in conversations?

Brian prepares for conversations by doing research and being knowledgeable about the person or topic. However, he also trusts that the conversation will naturally flow and prefers to discover things in the moment. He doesn't try to control the direction of the conversation, allowing it to unfold organically.

Q: How does Brian Grazer navigate awkward silences in conversations?

Brian suggests breaking the silence by either asking the other person what they're thinking about or by sharing a fact or story to spark a new topic. The key is to be open-minded and to be willing to explore different subjects or interests.

Q: Why is the theme of redemption important in Brian Grazer's work?

Brian's goal in his work is to create a sense of redemption and emotional resolution, even if it's not about winning or succeeding. He believes that sending out good vibes and positive energy into the world through movies, television shows, or even simple interactions can have a transformative impact on people's lives.

Q: How does Brian Grazer incorporate redemption in his storytelling?

Brian aims to create aspirational stories that inspire and uplift audiences. Whether it's a movie like "A Beautiful Mind" or "8 Mile," the focus is on characters who go through personal growth and overcome challenges. Their redemption comes from becoming self-actualized and finding emotional strength.

Q: How does Brian Grazer approach face-to-face conversations differently from other interactions?

Brian approaches face-to-face conversations with genuine curiosity and interest. He sees them as an opportunity to connect on a more authentic and personal level, asking deep questions and exploring the most authentic self of both individuals involved.

Q: Why does Brian Grazer emphasize the importance of eye contact in human connection?

According to Brian, eye contact is the starting point of human connection. By looking at someone calmly and without ambition, you show them that they are seen and validated as a human being. This simple act of looking can create a bridge of connection and open the pathway for deeper conversations.

Q: How can individuals incorporate the art of human connection in their everyday lives?

Brian encourages individuals to schedule curious conversations with people they find interesting. It's about going beyond small talk and finding genuine connections with others, even if it's just for a few moments. By being observant, prepared, and open-minded, it's possible to create meaningful connections in everyday interactions.

Takeaways

Brian Grazer believes in the power of face-to-face conversations and the art of human connection. He emphasizes the importance of eye contact, genuine curiosity, and preparation in building meaningful connections with others. Through his work, he strives to create stories of redemption and emotional resolution, inspiring audiences to become their best selves. In everyday life, he encourages individuals to schedule curious conversations and be present, open, and observant, in order to foster deeper connections with those around them.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Brian Grazer, an Academy Award-winning producer whose films and shows have been nominated for 43 Academy Awards and 195 Emmys, discusses his book Face to Face about the art of human connection. He argues that all real connection begins with a single generous act: eye contact.

• Connection requires looking at someone calmly, without ambition, and feeling them. This validates the other person and makes both people feel human. It opens a pathway to real questions and lets biology take over, eventually reaching each person's most authentic self.

• Grazer insists connection is never a tactic or strategy. He recounts screwing up a party meeting with CBS's Donald March because it felt artificial, then vowing to only attend events he could genuinely enjoy rather than treating them as ambitious, surgical strikes.