Why We (Sometimes) Wish Those We Love Might Die

TL;DR

We sometimes wish a loved one might die because close relationships combine deep attachment with frustration, resentment, and a longing for momentary relief. Such fantasies are common, but they are not plans and do not reflect real values or intentions. The guilt that follows can show how much we care despite genuine tensions, so read on to understand ambivalence and the meaning of these thoughts.

Transcript

it feels very shameful horrifying even to admit but there are times when we may find ourselves daydreaming about a terrible thing happening to someone close to us deep in the privacy of our minds we may feel it would be a huge relief if a partner or family member could just vanish from the face of the Earth they might be run over at a crossing thei... Read More

Key Insights

• 🥰 Daydreaming about harm to loved ones is a natural but taboo thought that many experience.
• 🥰 Such fantasies often arise from the emotional complexities within close relationships, where love and frustration coexist.
• 🥰 The ambivalence in loving relationships is a healthy acknowledgment of the various feelings we can have towards those we care for deeply.
• 🥰 Guilt following these thoughts indicates our genuine care and commitment to our loved ones despite conflicting emotions.
• 💭 Many individuals harbor similar dark thoughts, illustrating the shared humanity and vulnerability in relationships.
• 🛟 These fantasies serve as momentary escapes rather than true intentions, indicating the psychological coping mechanisms in place.
• 🥺 Understanding these thoughts can lead to healthier conversations about emotions within relationships and foster empathy among partners or family members.

Questions & Answers

Q: Why do we sometimes wish someone we love might die?

A partner or family member can have enormous emotional power over us, creating both adoration and resentment. Imagining their disappearance can offer momentary relief from the difficult feelings involved in such a significant bond, without meaning that we truly want them gone.

Q: Are fantasies about a loved one dying common?

Yes, the transcript says grim imaginings are very common. They can seem rare because people know their own darkest thoughts but seldom hear what secretly passes through other people's minds.

Q: Does imagining a loved one's death mean I intend to harm them?

No, fantasies are not plans of action and do not correspond to real values or intentions. The transcript distinguishes an occasional grim daydream from taking even the tiniest preparatory steps.

Q: What is ambivalence in a close relationship?

Ambivalence is what therapists call the blending of deeply negative and positive thoughts. In close relationships, tenderness can coexist with rage, attachment with revulsion, and adoration with resentment.

Q: Why can close relationships create such conflicting emotions?

People close to us can play an outsize role in our lives, hold enormous emotional power, and know our weakest spots. They can enchant and support us, but they can also exhaust us and let us down in ways few others can.

Q: What purpose do grim fantasies serve?

They operate as momentary escapes from powerful feelings. The imagined loss may briefly represent liberation or relief from the frustrations and pressures within an important relationship.

Q: What does guilt after a dark fantasy mean?

Guilt can be a symptom of caring deeply about the person despite real tensions and disappointments. It suggests that the fantasy conflicts with our actual attachment, values, and intentions.

Q: Do these fantasies mean someone is sick or monstrous?

The transcript says their meaning is not that a person is sick or monstrous. They reflect the fact that loving someone is never free of frustration and may even testify to the depth and complexity of the bond.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Definition: Ambivalence is a blend of deeply negative and positive thoughts that necessarily arises when people are close.

• Who: Partners and family members may become the subjects of occasional grim daydreams because they hold enormous emotional power over us.

• Compare: Close relationships can contain tenderness and rage, attachment and revulsion, adoration and resentment.

• Definition: Grim fantasies are momentary escapes from powerful feelings, not plans of action.

• Compare: Imagining harm does not correspond to real values or intentions, and it differs from taking preparatory steps.

• Who: Counsellors and therapists are not surprised when clients reveal occasional wishes that a loved one would vanish.

• When: Such fantasies may arise when an important relationship feels exhausting, disappointing, or emotionally difficult.

• Definition: Guilt after the fantasy can indicate that the person remains deeply cared for despite tension and frustration.

• Compare: The fantasy expresses temporary relief, while the guilt reflects attachment and concern for the loved one.

• Who: A partner or family member may also harbor similar occasional fantasies and feel the same shame and guilt.