Perfectionism: Why and How to Beat It

Perfectionism: Why and How to Beat It

In the behavioral psychology community, there are two kinds of rule following: tracking and pliance. Tracking refers to finding a rule that has been reinforced by positive outcomes when followed in the past. Pliance, on the other hand, is following a rule because one feels expected to by others. Perfectionism, when it comes to our own work, is often seen as simply doing a great job. However, when someone else is doing it, it is called perfectionism. The issue lies in the rigid adherence to excessively high standards and the inflexibility around those standards. Perfectionism is the intersection between unrealistically high standards and rigid adherence to them.

The problem with perfectionism is not the desire to do great work, but rather the rigidity around what constitutes good work and how it should be achieved. This rigidity leads to a hyperfocus on achieving impossible goals, resulting in burnout, neglecting other responsibilities, avoiding goals altogether, or constantly feeling miserable even when objectively doing well. The antidote to perfectionism is not getting rid of rules, but rather understanding what these rules are designed to help you achieve, recognizing when they are helpful versus when they are harmful, and being flexible enough to follow them when appropriate and disregard them when necessary.

Often, once a rule has been reinforced by positive outcomes or social pressure, we hold onto it so tightly that we become blind to situations where it no longer works. This is known as rule-governed behavior. Instead, what we need to focus on is contingency-shaped behavior, which involves letting our experiences teach us and guide our decision-making. It is more effective to let our experiences shape our behavior rather than rigidly following rules, as is common in perfectionism.

To start incorporating contingency-shaped behavior into our lives, it is crucial to understand our values. Values represent the directions we want our lives to go in and the qualities we want to embody on our journey. These values can serve as guideposts when faced with challenging circumstances and trapped in the grip of perfectionism. Unlike goals, which have an end date and can leave us feeling lost once accomplished, values are ever-present and can provide intrinsic motivation and purpose.

Research has shown that individuals are more likely to approach difficult or painful circumstances if they relate directly to their personal values. Therefore, identifying and aligning our actions with our values can help us navigate perfectionistic tendencies and stay on track. It is important to differentiate between rules we follow because we think we "should" in order to conform to social standards versus rules we follow because we genuinely desire the results they bring.

Developing awareness is a powerful tool in overcoming perfectionism. Consistently practicing awareness allows us to gain some distance from the thoughts and feelings we experience, a concept known as defusion. Once we have defused from our thoughts, we gain the freedom to choose how to behave. The next step is to reconnect with our values and make decisions based on them. Following our values creates variability in behavior, which is essential for growth and learning.

Now, let's shift our focus to the importance of reading in the pursuit of knowledge and generating ideas. Reading books is an excellent way to find good ideas to write about. In fact, many writers find that 90% of their ideas are influenced by the books they have read, while only 10% are original thoughts. Reading books sequentially offers the advantage of witnessing how rare it is for anyone to make a significant leap in their thinking. This highlights the value of reading old books, as they provide a historical perspective and allow us to build upon the knowledge of previous generations.

Reading books not only exposes us to new ideas but also gives us a competitive edge in our writing and thinking. By immersing ourselves in the thoughts and experiences of others, we expand our understanding and gain insights that we can apply to our own work. It is through the transfer of knowledge from one generation to the next that we continue to progress and grow collectively.

In conclusion, perfectionism can be a hindrance to personal growth and well-being. By understanding the purpose of our rules, embracing contingency-shaped behavior, and aligning our actions with our values, we can overcome perfectionistic tendencies. Additionally, developing awareness and defusion techniques can provide the freedom to make choices based on our values and create variability in our behavior. Furthermore, reading books and learning from the experiences of others can inspire new ideas and broaden our perspectives. Embrace the journey of growth and learning, and let go of the rigid standards that hold us back.