Perfectionism: Why and How to Beat It: The Intersection of Rules and Rigidity

Perfectionism: Why and How to Beat It: The Intersection of Rules and Rigidity

Perfectionism is a term often used to describe individuals who strive for excellence in their work, but it goes beyond simply wanting to do a great job. It is the rigid adherence to excessively high standards that causes problems for those who suffer from it. The problem lies in the rigidity around these standards, which leads to hyperfocus on achieving impossible goals, burnout, neglect of other responsibilities, avoidance of goals, and constant feelings of misery even when objectively doing well.

To understand perfectionism and overcome it, it is important to recognize that it is not about getting rid of rules, but rather understanding their purpose and being flexible enough to follow them when they are helpful and disregard them when they are not. Psychologists refer to this as contingency-shaped behavior, where one's experience teaches them how to navigate life instead of rigidly following rules.

One way to break free from perfectionism is to identify and prioritize your values. Values are the direction you want your life to go in and the qualities you want to embody during your journey. By framing your values as guideposts, you can use them as a compass when faced with challenging circumstances. Unlike goals, which have an end date and can leave you feeling lost once accomplished, values provide intrinsic motivation and are always available to guide you. Studies show that individuals are more likely to approach difficult situations if they are aligned with their personal values.

It is important to differentiate between rules you follow because you think you "should" and rules you follow because you genuinely want the results they bring. Socially expected standards of behavior may influence certain rules, but it is crucial to focus on rules that align with your intrinsic desires. Developing awareness is a powerful tool in overcoming perfectionism as it allows you to gain space from your thoughts and feelings. Psychologists refer to this as defusion, where you can choose how to behave once you have distanced yourself from your thoughts.

Once defused, it is essential to remember what you want and return to your values. Following your values creates variability in behavior, which is a good thing as it allows you to learn new things and grow. Embracing variability and flexibility is key to overcoming perfectionism.

"‘Fear of Being Left Out' is a Biological Survival Technique: The Importance of Social Capital"

As social beings, humans have a biological need for connection and social interaction. Our ancestors relied on safety in numbers to survive, and being "left out" posed a threat to their well-being. This fear of being left out, or FOBLO, is deeply ingrained in our biological makeup.

Maintaining relationships is crucial for our overall well-being. Studies have shown that social wellness is equally as important as physical and mental well-being. However, it is essential to recognize that we are biologically designed to maintain only a limited number of relationships. On average, humans can maintain around 150 relationships, with only 50 of those being considered close.

In today's world, the fear of being left out often leads individuals to chase multiple social networking sites, hoping to fill the void. However, this approach does not rescue us from our inherent need for real-life relationships. Instead, it is important to be intentional about the relationships we invest in and focus on quality over quantity.

Understanding that being left out is not always personal is crucial. People have their own priorities and invest their social capital elsewhere, just as we do. It is essential to remember that our world is about us, and sometimes we intersect with others and have a great time together.

Taking care of our social health directly affects our mental and physical well-being. It is important to be intentional about the social groups and communities we participate in, ensuring that they align with our interests, lifestyle, and personality. Becoming a regular in a certain social setting, such as a favorite coffee house or a meetup group, can provide a sense of belonging and fulfillment.

In conclusion, both perfectionism and the fear of being left out have their roots in our biology and psychology. By understanding the intersection of rules and rigidity in perfectionism, we can learn to be flexible and focus on our values to overcome it. Similarly, recognizing the biological need for social connection and being intentional about our social capital can help us alleviate the fear of being left out and foster meaningful relationships.

Three actionable advice to apply in your life:

1. Identify your values: Take the time to reflect on what truly matters to you and what you want to embody in your life. These values will serve as guideposts during challenging times and help you make decisions aligned with your true desires.

2. Practice awareness and defusion: Develop the habit of observing your thoughts and emotions without judgment. This allows you to gain distance from them and choose how to respond, rather than reacting automatically.

3. Prioritize quality over quantity: Instead of chasing multiple social connections, focus on investing in meaningful relationships. Be intentional about the social groups and communities you participate in, ensuring they align with your interests and values. Regularly engage in activities or environments that foster a sense of belonging and fulfillment.