What Makes You Happy: Secrets about People and the Pursuit of Happiness

What Makes You Happy: Secrets about People and the Pursuit of Happiness

Happiness is a complex and elusive emotion. We spend our lives searching for it, chasing after the things that we believe will bring us joy. But what if I told you that happiness is not about the amount of things we have or the experiences we accumulate, but rather the contrast between what we have now and what we were just doing?

Think about it. The best drink you will ever taste is a glass of tap water when you're thirsty. The best food you will ever eat is fast food when you're starving. The best massage you will ever feel is sitting on a couch after a long run. The best sleep you will ever experience is when your newborn finally sleeps through the night. It's the contrast, not the amount, that brings us happiness.

This concept is supported by René Girard, who introduces the idea of mimetic desire. According to Girard, when we watch other people and pattern our desires off theirs, we are not acquiring a desire for that object but rather learning to mimic somebody and striving to become them or become like them. Advertisers understand this principle well. They don't try to convince us that we want their product; they tell us that we ought to desire membership to a particular peer set, and the way to achieve that is by consuming their product.

Marcel Proust's masterpiece, A La Recherche du Temps Perdu, explores this phenomenon further. Proust delves into how our memory of objects and experiences is shaped by the opinions of those we aspire to imitate. We reshape our perceptions, experiences, and even our identity to be consistent with who we feel we ought to be. But to truly experience happiness, we must rediscover our past impressions and accept that we may not actually be like those role models. Only then can we perceive things as they are and enjoy them as our genuine selves.

However, mimetic desire can also lead to self-deception. We lie to ourselves to fit our perceptions into the mold of who we want to be. This is especially true for narcissists, whose role model is themselves. They strive to imitate and impress themselves, but the harder they try, the less successful they become. The desire to be oneself, ironically, leads to deep unhappiness.

Girard highlights the importance of distance and differentiation in relationships between subject and model. Models who are far from us, such as heroic figures in culture or history, have little impact on our desires or our relationship with them. But when our role models are close to us, such as peers or coworkers, our efforts to become more like them transform the relationship. We desire to be like them, but we also resent and hate them for being our obstacles and rivals.

In a homogenous tribe where everyone is alike, mimetic conflict becomes inevitable. We fight not because we are different, but because we are the same. Girard suggests that differentiation and distance are necessary to prevent mimetic conflict. Founders of companies, for example, hold a higher status than CEOs because the title of "founder" cannot be earned or seized like the title of CEO. This differentiation reduces jealousy and rivalry within the organization.

Religion, according to Girard, evolved as a defense against jealousy and mimetic rivalry within communities. The Christian Bible, in Girard's interpretation, covers this subject extensively. The story of Adam and Eve, for instance, highlights the moment they discover the opinion of others and the importance of that opinion. This realization leads to pride, shame, envy, and ultimately, mimetic conflict.

So, how can we find happiness and escape the cycle of mimetic desire and conflict? Here are three actionable pieces of advice:

1. Keep your expectations low: Recognize the power of expectations and put effort into keeping them low. Instead of constantly striving to imitate others or acquire more, focus on appreciating what you have and finding joy in the contrasts of life.

2. Embrace humility and authenticity: Rediscover your past impressions and accept that you may not be like your role models. Embrace your genuine self and perceive things as they are, rather than trying to fit into the mold of who you think you should be.

3. Foster differentiation and distance: In relationships, create differentiation and distance to reduce jealousy and rivalry. Embrace the uniqueness of each individual and celebrate their differences. This will help prevent mimetic conflict and promote harmony within communities.

In conclusion, happiness is not about the quantity of things we have or experiences we accumulate, but rather the contrast between our current circumstances and what we were just doing. Mimetic desire and conflict can hinder our pursuit of happiness, but by keeping expectations low, embracing humility and authenticity, and fostering differentiation and distance, we can find a path to true happiness and contentment.