The Secrets of Mimetic Desire: Understanding the Complexities of Human Relationships

The Secrets of Mimetic Desire: Understanding the Complexities of Human Relationships

In René Girard's exploration of mimetic desire, he introduces the concept of "mediators" or "models" for our desires. Rather than simply acquiring a desire for an object, we learn to mimic and strive to become like these models. This phenomenon, known as mimetic desire, explains why advertisers focus on selling a lifestyle or peer group rather than just a product. We want to be a part of that group, and the object becomes secondary.

Marcel Proust's novel, A La Recherche du Temps Perdu, delves into the power of mimetic desire in shaping our memories and experiences. Our perceptions are retroactively colored by the opinions of those we aspire to imitate. However, mimetic desire can lead to self-deception as we reshape our identities to align with our role models. Rediscovering our genuine selves involves humility and accepting that we may not truly be like our models.

Interestingly, narcissists have themselves as their model, striving to become an idealized version of themselves. However, this self-focused desire often leads to unhappiness because the harder they try, the less successful they become. Status, in this sense, becomes a zero-sum game, and models and admirers eventually become rivals. We fight not because we are different, but because we are the same.

Girard emphasizes the importance of the distance between the subject and the model. External mediators, such as heroic figures or historical figures, are too far away to become obstacles or rivals. On the other hand, internal mediators, like peers or coworkers, have a profound impact on our desires and relationships. Our role models torment us, pulling us in two directions: wanting to be like them while also fearing exposure as an imitator. This internal conflict can be traced back to Freud's idea of conflicting roles of parents as both models and barriers in a child's development.

When our models are close to us, we tend to hide our admiration and jealousy. As our mimicry intensifies, we may even engage in actions that seem out of character, such as attacking or sabotaging our models. This creates a symmetric hostility as our models feel the same envy towards us. The more homogenous a tribe, the more inevitable mimetic conflict becomes.

Girard suggests that differentiation and distance are key to preventing mimetic conflict. Relationships between subjects and models that have some form of real differentiation, such as rank or distance, are safer. However, undifferentiated relationships between peers are prone to danger. When de-escalation is not an option, finding a scapegoat becomes necessary. Scapegoating involves collectively blaming someone for the violence and ending the conflict through their murder. Silicon Valley startups have learned from this by emphasizing the role of founders, who rule by divine right, rather than CEOs who earn their titles.

Girard explores the evolution of early human religion as a defense against mimetic rivalry. Early religions played a crucial role in suppressing and diffusing conflict within communities. The Christian Bible, according to Girard, covers this subject extensively. The story of Adam and Eve's expulsion from the Garden of Eden symbolizes the discovery of self and other, leading to pride, shame, envy, and ultimately mimetic conflict. The rivalry between Cain and Abel further exemplifies the destructive nature of mimetic desire.

In conclusion, understanding the complexities of mimetic desire provides insights into human relationships and the potential for conflict. To navigate this phenomenon, here are three actionable pieces of advice:

1. Embrace humility: Rediscovering your genuine self involves accepting that you may not be exactly like your role models. Embrace humility and appreciate your unique qualities.

2. Differentiate and distance: Foster relationships that have some form of real differentiation, whether it be rank or distance. This can help prevent mimetic conflict by establishing clear boundaries.

3. Avoid scapegoating: Instead of resorting to scapegoating, seek de-escalation and conflict resolution strategies. Address the underlying issues rather than blaming someone for the violence.

By understanding and addressing the complexities of mimetic desire, we can strive for healthier, more harmonious relationships.