Healing your co-founder relationship: The Science of Forgetting and Its Impact on Memories

Healing your co-founder relationship: The Science of Forgetting and Its Impact on Memories

When relationships between co-founders go awry, it can be challenging to find a resolution. However, a good place to start is by considering what is happening on a personal level. We all have two personal antennae - one that looks outward and picks up signals from the other person, and one that looks inward and registers our own emotions. Understanding our own feelings more fully can expand our choices and reduce reactive behavior.

Interpersonal issues in co-founder relationships can stem from various sources. For instance, one co-founder may perceive a significant power differential that complicates decision-making processes. The dilemma then becomes how to address these issues without causing further animosity and disrupting the company. It is essential to remember that both co-founders are likely experiencing some version of the same challenges. By being curious about each other's feelings and intentions, conversations can become more productive and generative.

In generating a solution, it can be helpful to answer three questions simultaneously: "What do I need?", "What do you/others need?", and "What is best for the organization?". Real curiosity about each other's perspectives can lower defensiveness and build stronger relationships. The ability to navigate interpersonal dynamics is crucial for professional success, yet it is often one of the hardest skills to develop.

The default mode of our brains is forgetting, as Professor Norman Brown, a cognitive psychology expert, suggests. Our brains have three interrelated phases for memory: encoding, consolidation, and retrieval. New information is encoded in the brain through changes in neurons, creating a physical memory trace. However, much of this information is lost unless it is consolidated during sleep, making memories more stable and long-term.

Memory retrieval occurs when the memory trace neurons in the hippocampus and cortex are reactivated. Our memories are centered around our life stories and the events that had the most personal impact on us. However, the more memories we accumulate, the more difficult it becomes to capture all of them. New memories often interfere with older ones, making it harder to recall specific events.

During times of uniformity, such as the COVID-19 pandemic, memories can become blurred. The brain tends to group similar events together, resulting in unclear memories of those specific years. Additionally, as a society, many people may not want to hold onto their COVID-19 memories. There is a natural positivity bias towards the future, as it can be imagined in various ways compared to the fixed nature of the past. This bias may affect how we look back on the pandemic and navigate the future.

To preserve autobiographical memories, history needs to turn our lives upside down and make them significant. Without cultural artifacts like books, movies, and museums, memories can fade away with time. The same may happen to memories of the COVID-19 pandemic if they are not preserved through various means.

In conclusion, healing co-founder relationships requires introspection, curiosity, and effective communication. Understanding our own emotions and being genuinely curious about the other person's perspective can foster productive discussions. Moreover, recognizing the default nature of forgetting can help us appreciate the importance of preserving memories, whether they are personal or collective. To navigate the challenges of co-founding a company successfully, developing strong interpersonal skills is as essential as any other business strategy or plan.

Actionable advice:

1. Foster curiosity: Approach conversations with a genuine desire to understand the other person's feelings and intentions. This curiosity can lower defensiveness and build stronger relationships.
2. Develop emotional vocabulary: Expand your ability to identify and express your emotions. This skill can lead to better self-awareness and more effective communication.
3. Preserve memories: Whether it's through written records, photographs, or other means, find ways to preserve the memories that are important to you. This can help maintain a sense of personal history and contribute to the collective memory of significant events.

Incorporating these practices into your co-founder relationship can lead to a healthier and more resilient partnership. Remember, the success of a company often hinges on the strength of its interpersonal dynamics.