Awareness: Conversations with the Masters

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About This Book

Awareness gathers the teachings of Jesuit priest and spiritual teacher Anthony de Mello into a single, provocative argument: most human beings are asleep, living mechanical, conditioned lives, and the whole point of spirituality is simply to wake up.

De Mello builds his case around a few interlocking ideas. First, negative feelings live in you, not in reality — "No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy." The rain doesn't ruin the picnic; your reaction does. Second, suffering is a signal: it shows where your illusions are colliding with the truth, and it always traces back to identification — confusing the changeless "I" with the labels, possessions, roles, and people we call "me."

The path he prescribes is not effort, renunciation, or self-improvement but awareness and understanding. He repeatedly insists that what you are aware of you control, and what you are unaware of controls you. His practical core is a four-step program:

Identify the negative feeling in you.
Understand it is in you, not in external reality.
Refuse to identify it with your essential self.
Realize that when you change, everything changes.

De Mello is sharply critical of dependence dressed up as love, charity rooted in self-interest, and religion that substitutes belief and ritual for genuine wakefulness. He champions faith as openness rather than security, solitude over loneliness, and seeing reality directly rather than through frozen concepts and labels.

The promised reward is a life of freedom and quiet bliss: you fear no one, need no applause, cling to nothing, and discover that happiness is your natural state — something you already possess and need only uncover by dropping illusions, not by acquiring anything new.

Key Takeaways

1.Negative feelings live in you, not in reality — no event, situation, or person has the power to make you unhappy; your reaction does.
2.Suffering is a signal of illusion: it shows where your falsehoods clash with truth, just as pain reveals disease.
3.All suffering comes from identification — confusing the changeless "I" with the transient "me" of labels, roles, and possessions.
4.Awareness, not effort, produces change: what you are aware of you control; what you are unaware of controls you, and you only change what you understand.
5.Happiness is your natural state — you don't acquire it by adding anything, but by dropping illusions, attachments, and cravings.
6.Love and dependence are opposites: clinging, neediness, and possessiveness are not love but desire and control; true love leaves the other free.
7.Faith is openness, not belief — readiness to have cherished ideas shattered without running away is the precondition for waking up.

Top Highlights

Anytime you have a negative feeling toward anyone, you’re living in an illusion. There’s something seriously wrong with you. You’re not seeing reality. Something inside of you has to change. But what do we generally do when we have a negative feeling? “He is to blame, she is to blame. She’s got to change.” No! The world’s all right. The one who has to change is you.

Highlighted by 8 people

We see people and things not as they are, but as we are. That is why when two people look at something or someone, you get two different reactions. We see things and people not as they are, but as we are.

Highlighted by 8 people

Put this program into action, a thousand times: (a) identify the negative feelings in you; (b) understand that they are in you, not in the world, not in external reality; (c) do not see them as an essential part of “I”; these things come and go; (d) understand that when you change, everything changes.

Highlighted by 8 people

When you fight something, you’re tied to it forever. As long as you’re fighting it, you are giving it power. You give it as much power as you are using to fight it.

Highlighted by 7 people

Do you like being in prison? Do you like being controlled? Let me tell you something: If you ever let yourself feel good when people tell you that you’re O.K., you are preparing yourself to feel bad when they tell you you’re not good. As long as you live to fulfill other people’s expectations, you better watch what you wear, how you comb your hair, whether your shoes are polished—in short, whether you live up to every damned expectation of theirs. Do you call that human?

Highlighted by 7 people

When your illusions drop, you’re in touch with reality at last, and believe me, you will never again be lonely, never again. Loneliness is not cured by human company. Loneliness is cured by contact with reality.

Highlighted by 7 people

The first reaction is one of fear. It’s not that we fear the unknown. You cannot fear something that you do not know. Nobody is afraid of the unknown. What you really fear is the loss of the known. That’s what you fear.

Highlighted by 6 people

What you are aware of you are in control of; what you are not aware of is in control of you. You are always a slave to what you’re not aware of. When you’re aware of it, you’re free from it. It’s there, but you’re not affected by it. You’re not controlled by it; you’re not enslaved by it. That’s the difference. Awareness, awareness, awareness, awareness. What they trained us to do in that course was to become participant observers. To put it somewhat graphically, I’d be talking to you and at the same time I’d be out there watching you and watching me. When I’m listening to you, it’s infinitely more important for me to listen to me than to listen to you. Of course, it’s important to listen to you, but it’s more important that I listen to me. Otherwise I won’t be hearing you. Or I’ll be distorting everything you say. I’ll be coming at you from my own conditioning. I’ll be reacting to you in all kinds of ways from my insecurities, from my need to manipulate you, from my desire to succeed, from irritations and feelings that I might not be aware of. So it’s frightfully important that I listen to me when I’m listening to you.

Highlighted by 6 people

Negative feelings are in you, not in reality. So stop trying to change reality. That’s crazy! Stop trying to change the other person. We spend all our time and energy trying to change external circumstances, trying to change our spouses, our bosses, our friends, our enemies, and everybody else. We don’t have to change anything. Negative feelings are in you. No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy. There is no event on earth that has the power to disturb you or hurt you. No event, condition, situation, or person. Nobody told you this; they told you the opposite. That’s why you’re in the mess that you’re in right now. That is why you’re asleep. They never told you this. But it’s self-evident.

Highlighted by 6 people

We never feel grief when we lose something that we have allowed to be free, that we have never attempted to possess. Grief is a sign that I made my happiness depend on this thing or person, at least to some extent. We’re so accustomed to hear the opposite of this that what I say sounds inhuman, doesn’t it?

Highlighted by 5 people

AI Review

4.6/ 5

Glasp's analysis of highlights from 11 readers reveals exceptionally strong and consistent engagement, with core passages on negative feelings, identification, and awakening highlighted by 7-9 readers each. This is a deeply resonant, frequently quoted book that readers return to.

Pros

+Extremely high consensus — top passages highlighted by the vast majority of readers
+Memorable, quotable formulations like "What you are aware of you are in control of"
+A concrete four-step program readers repeatedly marked as actionable
+Draws on multiple traditions (Christian, Buddhist, Sufi, Zen) without dogma
+Direct, conversational, often funny delivery via parables and anecdotes
+Reframes suffering, love, and happiness in ways readers found genuinely liberating

Cons

−Some readers disagreed with claims that one can be happy in total solitude or without needing others
−Insistence that needing people is illusion struck a few as denying a real biological/emotional need
−Repetitive by design — the same ideas recur many times across the talks
−Offers understanding over technique, which may frustrate readers wanting a clear method

Glasp AI analysis based on highlights from 11 readers.

Who Should Read This

Readers drawn to practical spirituality that cuts across traditions — blending Christian, Buddhist, and Sufi insight without dogma. It suits anyone feeling trapped by other people's expectations, struggling with anxiety, dependency, or the need for approval, and willing to have cherished beliefs challenged. Therapists, seekers disillusioned with conventional religion, and people sensing they're "asleep" will find the most value. Less suited to those wanting gentle reassurance or step-by-step techniques, since de Mello deliberately offers understanding over methods and is comfortable provoking discomfort.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is Awareness by Anthony de Mello about?

It argues that most people are spiritually asleep and that awakening comes through self-observation and understanding. Its central claim is that negative feelings and suffering live within you, not in reality, and that happiness is your natural state once you drop illusions and stop identifying with labels.

Who is this book for?

It's for seekers interested in practical, non-dogmatic spirituality, people struggling with anxiety, approval-seeking, or emotional dependency, and anyone willing to have their beliefs challenged. It speaks to readers across religious and secular backgrounds alike.

What are the key lessons of the book?

That negative feelings are in you, not in reality; that suffering signals illusion clashing with truth; that you must stop identifying the "I" with the changing "me"; and that change happens through awareness and understanding, not effort or willpower.

Is Awareness worth reading?

Given how consistently readers highlight its core passages, yes — especially if you find conventional self-help shallow. It is provocative and repetitive by design, so its value lies in absorbing and practicing a few powerful ideas rather than collecting new techniques.

What is de Mello's four-step program for dealing with negative feelings?

First, identify the negative feeling in you. Second, understand it is in you, not in external reality. Third, do not identify it with your essential self. Fourth, realize that when you change, everything changes.

Does the book say we shouldn't need other people?

De Mello argues against psychological and emotional dependence — making your happiness depend on others, which he says leads to control, fear, and manipulation rather than love. Some readers strongly disagreed, viewing the need for others as a basic human reality.

How does the book relate to religion?

De Mello insists religion is not necessarily connected to spirituality. He warns that beliefs, rituals, and even God-concepts can become a distraction from waking up, and that genuine awareness matters more than worship or doctrine.

How to Apply What You Read

1.Practice self-observation daily: watch your thoughts, feelings, and reactions as if they were happening to someone else, without judging or trying to fix them.
2.Apply the four-step program when upset: name the negative feeling, recognize it is in you, refuse to identify with it, and let it pass.
3.Catch identification in your speech: instead of "I am depressed," notice "depression is here" — separate the observing "I" from the changing "me."
4.Examine your attachments by asking what fear or desire underlies your anger, anxiety, or grief, and what you believe you cannot be happy without.
5.Hold preferences loosely rather than demands: enjoy people and things without making your happiness depend on any of them.

Discussion Questions

Q1.De Mello claims no person or event can make you unhappy — only your reaction can. Do you agree, or are there situations where this feels untrue or even harmful?
Q2.Several readers disagreed that one can be happy in total solitude. Is the need for other people an illusion to be dropped, or a legitimate human need?
Q3.What labels do you most identify with — your job, role, relationships — and what would it mean to stop defining your essential self by them?
Q4.De Mello says charity is often self-interest in disguise. Does examining your own good deeds this way feel liberating, cynical, or both?
Q5.The book argues change comes through understanding rather than effort or willpower. How does this contradict most self-improvement advice you've encountered?
Q6.If suffering is a signal pointing to illusion, how might you respond differently the next time you feel anxious, rejected, or disappointed?
Q7.De Mello insists religion is not necessarily connected to spirituality. How do you distinguish genuine awareness from belief, ritual, or God-concepts in your own life?