We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it | Nora McInerny | TED

TL;DR

In this talk, the speaker reflects on the losses she experienced in 2014 and discusses the importance of acknowledging and embracing grief alongside other emotions in order to move forward.

Transcript

So, 2014 was a big year for me. Do you ever have that, just like a big year, like a banner year? For me, it went like this: October 3, I lost my second pregnancy. And then October 8, my dad died of cancer. And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died after three years with stage-four glioblastoma, which is just a fancy word for brain cancer. So, ... Read More

Key Insights

• 💔 Loss and grief are universal experiences that everyone will go through at some point. It is important to talk about death and loss to make people more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
• 👥 The Hot Young Widows Club provides a space for individuals to connect with others who have gone through similar losses, allowing them to talk about their grief in a supportive environment.
• 🗣 People often say insensitive things to those who are grieving, such as "moving on," which can invalidate their experiences. It is important to be mindful of the words we use when supporting someone who is grieving.
• ❤️ Even though someone may find love again after experiencing loss, it doesn't mean they have moved on. The love and grief for the person they lost will always be a part of their lives.
• ⚫ Grief doesn't happen in isolation and can coexist with other emotions. People who have experienced loss may still find joy and happiness in their lives while grieving.
• 🌍 Grief is a chronic and incurable emotion. It is not something that can be fixed or healed, but rather something that individuals learn to navigate and live with over time.
• 😢 Grief can feel overwhelming and even like a chronic illness, but it is important to remember that it is not fatal. Supporting each other and recognizing the complex nature of grief can help those experiencing it.
• ✨ Some things in life can't be fixed, and not all wounds are meant to heal. It is important to provide support and understanding to those who are grieving, even if we can't prevent or fix their pain.

Questions & Answers

Q: What significant losses did the speaker experience in 2014?

The speaker experienced the loss of her second pregnancy, the death of her father from cancer, and the death of her husband Aaron from brain cancer.

Q: How has the speaker responded to her losses?

The speaker has made it a career to talk about death and loss, not just her own, but also the losses and tragedies experienced by others. She has written books, hosts a podcast, and started a nonprofit organization to make more people comfortable with grief.

Q: What is the Hot Young Widows Club?

The Hot Young Widows Club is a group started by the speaker and her friend Moe. It is a support group for men and women who have lost their partners and provides a space for them to talk about their grief and share their experiences.

Q: What are some common things people say to grieving individuals that they dislike?

According to the speaker's unscientific study, two common phrases that grieving individuals dislike hearing are "moving on" and "get over it". These phrases imply that the person should leave their loved one's life and death behind them, which is hurtful and dismissive of their grief.

Q: How does the speaker view her relationship with her late husband Aaron and her current husband Matthew?

The speaker sees her love for Aaron and her grief for him as intertwined with her love for Matthew. She believes that her love for Aaron and her grief for him do not oppose or replace her love for Matthew. They are different strands of the same thread, and each relationship has shaped her as a person.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• The speaker experienced several profound losses in a short period of time, including the loss of a pregnancy, her father, and her husband to cancer.

• She has made it her career to talk about death and loss, and has started a support group called the Hot Young Widows Club.

• The speaker discusses the misconceptions surrounding grief and emphasizes that moving forward does not mean moving on from the loss.