If You Need Something, Just Ask

TL;DR

People say yes to requests for help roughly twice as often as askers expect. In a field study, participants predicted they would need to approach about 20 people to get five to fill out a questionnaire, but in reality every other person agreed. Fear of rejection makes us underestimate others' willingness to help.

Transcript

welcome back uh I hope you had a good lunch and a good opportunity to network or meet some of the other folks here who are in attendance today I'm going to try to keep the um great level of presentations we've had already um and not reduce it too too much in terms of quality because the presentations have been really phenomenal I hope you're all en... Read More

Key Insights

• People grossly underestimate how likely others are to say yes when asked for help, even though they have extensive experience both asking and being asked, which should make them accurate judges.
• The underestimation runs in one specific direction: askers consistently assume others are far more likely to refuse than they actually are, which discourages people from asking in the first place.
• Askers focus on the costs of saying yes, imagining all the burdens the other person would bear, such as travel, effort, and leaving loved ones behind, when weighing whether to make a request.
• The person being asked often focuses instead on the cost of saying no, wanting to see themselves as generous and reliable, and may feel a warm glow from helping that the asker never considers.
• In a Columbia campus and New York City field study, participants predicted they would need to approach about 20 to 21 people to get five to complete a two-page questionnaire.
• The actual compliance rate was one in two: every other person approached agreed to fill out the questionnaire, roughly double what the askers had predicted going in.
• Willingness to ask depends on perceived likelihood of a yes: people feel emboldened to ask when they expect agreement and reluctant when they anticipate rejection, since no one likes being rejected.
• About 20 percent of participants dropped out after reading the instructions rather than approach strangers to make requests, illustrating how daunting and nerve-wracking asking for help feels.

Questions & Answers

Q: Why do people underestimate how likely others are to say yes to a request?

Askers focus on the costs of saying yes, imagining every burden the other person would have to bear, while the person being asked often focuses on the cost of saying no. Responders want to think of themselves as generous and reliable, and may get a warm glow from helping, motivations the asker rarely considers when predicting the answer.

Q: What did the Columbia questionnaire study reveal about predicting compliance?

Participants were sent onto the Columbia campus in New York City to approach random strangers and get five people to fill out a two-page questionnaire. Before starting they predicted needing about 20 to 21 approaches, implying one in four would say yes. In reality one in two agreed, meaning every other person said yes, roughly double their prediction.

Q: How much more likely are people to say yes than askers expect?

In the questionnaire field study, participants predicted that only about one in four people would agree, expecting to approach roughly 20 people to get five yeses. The actual rate was one in two, so every other person approached said yes. People were therefore about twice as willing to help as the askers had assumed.

Q: Why is asking for help so hard for many people?

Asking for help is nerve-wracking because people fear rejection and fixate on all the reasons someone might say no. Flynn described it as terrifying to ask presenters to travel, prepare, and leave loved ones behind. In the study, about 20 percent of participants dropped out after reading the instructions rather than approach strangers to make requests.

Q: How did Francis Flynn become interested in asking for help?

After graduating from college, Flynn worked as a social worker in a downtown Oakland homeless center. Weighing a PhD against a career in human services administration, he asked nonprofit executive directors what surprised them most. Both said you have to be okay with constantly asking people for things, which sparked his lasting interest in the experience of asking.

Q: What kinds of asking does human services work involve?

According to the executive directors Flynn interviewed, much of the job is asking people for stuff. That includes asking for charitable donations, asking employees to do more for less, and asking other organizations to cooperate and share resources. They said being comfortable with this constant asking is a surprisingly central and, for some people, difficult part of the career.

Q: Does making a prediction about compliance change how people actually ask?

The researchers only had participants make estimates in about half the cases, specifically to avoid predictions influencing behavior. This design let them test whether guessing a compliance rate altered how people made requests. Flynn said they have plenty of evidence that it does not happen, so the underestimation effect reflects genuine misjudgment rather than a self-fulfilling prediction.

Q: What other situations did Flynn plan to extend the research to?

Beyond basic requests, Flynn described extensions examining cases where people ask individuals who have rejected them previously, testing how accurately askers guess whether those people will now say yes. He also looked at estimating others' willingness to seek help, measuring how good people are at judging when others will come to them for assistance.

Summary

In this video, the speaker discusses the underestimation people have when it comes to others' willingness to say yes when asked for help. They provide various studies and demonstrations that support this claim. They also explore the factors that influence this underestimation, such as the size and directness of the request. The speaker also addresses the reverse situation of predicting others' help-seeking behavior and how people tend to overestimate how likely others are to ask for help.

Questions & Answers

Q: What is the speaker's personal experience with asking people for things?

The speaker shares a personal story about their experience working as a social worker and considering different career paths. They recall asking executive directors of nonprofit organizations about their work and the surprising importance of being willing to ask people for things in such roles.

Q: Why does the speaker believe people underestimate others' willingness to say yes when asked for help?

The speaker suggests that people underestimate others' willingness to say yes because they focus on the costs of saying yes rather than the benefits or altruistic motivations. They also highlight the differences in perspective between the asker and the person being asked, which can affect their judgments.

Q: How do the speaker's studies demonstrate the underestimation effect?

The speaker conducts various studies where participants have to ask others for things, such as filling out questionnaires, borrowing a cell phone, or walking them to a gym. In these studies, participants consistently underestimate how likely others are to say yes to their requests.

Q: How do the size and directness of a request impact people's expectations?

The speaker manipulates the size and directness of requests in one of their studies. They find that people underestimate the likelihood of getting a positive response when they make direct requests, but overestimate it when they make indirect requests. This suggests that people focus on the perceived magnitude of their ask, while others may focus on the potential awkwardness of saying no.

Q: What advice does the speaker offer in regards to asking people who have previously said no?

The speaker suggests that people often avoid asking those who have previously said no, assuming they will refuse again. However, their studies show that these individuals may actually be more likely to say yes on subsequent requests. Therefore, the speaker advises considering a broader pool of potential help-seekers, including those who have previously refused.

Q: How do people's predictions about help-seeking behavior differ from their predictions about helping others?

The speaker explains that people tend to overestimate how likely others are to seek help from them. They provide examples of teaching assistants and MBA students who overestimate the number of people who would seek their help. This is in contrast to the underestimation of others' willingness to say yes when asked for help.

Q: What explanations do the speaker and their colleagues offer for the underestimation effect?

The speaker suggests that the underestimation effect occurs because people focus on the costs of saying yes, while others may consider the cost of saying no. They also highlight the role of social awkwardness and the different perspectives of the asker and the person being asked.

Q: How does the speaker believe their findings can be applied in practical scenarios?

The speaker suggests that understanding people's underestimation of others' willingness to say yes can be useful in various contexts, such as fundraising campaigns or support programs. They emphasize the importance of considering the way requests are made and adjusting them to minimize social awkwardness and maximize the likelihood of a positive response.

Q: How do people's estimates of how likely others are to ask for help differ from reality?

The speaker's studies show that people tend to overestimate how likely others are to ask for help. They give examples of teaching assistants and MBA students who expected more people to seek their help compared to the actual number of requests they received.

Q: What factors influence people's underestimation of others' willingness to say yes?

The speaker discusses the influence of factors such as the magnitude of the request and the directness of the ask. They show that people's expectations differ based on these factors, highlighting the importance of considering the perspective of the person being asked.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Francis Flynn opened by recounting his early career as a social worker in a downtown Oakland homeless center, where nonprofit executive directors told him the surprising core of human services work is that you constantly have to ask people for things, whether donations, extra effort, or cooperation.

• Working with colleague Vanessa Bond at the University of Toronto, Flynn found that despite ample experience on both sides of requests, people are strikingly bad at predicting compliance and systematically underestimate how likely others are to agree when asked for help or a favor.

• In a field experiment, participants sent to gather five completed questionnaires on the Columbia campus predicted needing about 20 approaches, but every other person actually said yes. Flynn attributes the gap to askers dwelling on the costs of saying yes rather than the responder's cost of saying no.