If You Need Something, Just Ask

TL;DR

People are much more likely to say yes to a request than askers expect because responders consider the social cost of refusing, while askers focus on the burden of agreeing. In a Columbia field study, participants expected to approach about 20 people for five completed questionnaires, but one in two agreed. Read on to understand the prediction gap and why fear of rejection discourages asking.

Transcript

welcome back uh I hope you had a good lunch and a good opportunity to network or meet some of the other folks here who are in attendance today I'm going to try to keep the um great level of presentations we've had already um and not reduce it too too much in terms of quality because the presentations have been really phenomenal I hope you're all en... Read More

Key Insights

• People grossly underestimate how likely others are to say yes when asked for help, even though they have extensive experience both asking and being asked, which should make them accurate judges.
• The underestimation runs in one specific direction: askers consistently assume others are far more likely to refuse than they actually are, which discourages people from asking in the first place.
• Askers focus on the costs of saying yes, imagining all the burdens the other person would bear, such as travel, effort, and leaving loved ones behind, when weighing whether to make a request.
• The person being asked often focuses instead on the cost of saying no, wanting to see themselves as generous and reliable, and may feel a warm glow from helping that the asker never considers.
• In a Columbia campus and New York City field study, participants predicted they would need to approach about 20 to 21 people to get five to complete a two-page questionnaire.
• The actual compliance rate was one in two: every other person approached agreed to fill out the questionnaire, roughly double what the askers had predicted going in.
• Willingness to ask depends on perceived likelihood of a yes: people feel emboldened to ask when they expect agreement and reluctant when they anticipate rejection, since no one likes being rejected.
• About 20 percent of participants dropped out after reading the instructions rather than approach strangers to make requests, illustrating how daunting and nerve-wracking asking for help feels.

Questions & Answers

Q: Why do people say yes to requests more often than expected?

Askers tend to focus on the effort, time, or other costs someone would bear by agreeing. The person receiving the request may instead consider the cost of refusing, including a desire to see themselves as generous and reliable and the warm glow that can come from helping.

Q: What did the Columbia questionnaire study reveal about requests for help?

Participants had to approach strangers and persuade five people to complete a two-page questionnaire. They predicted needing about 20 to 21 approaches, but one in two people actually agreed, meaning every other person said yes.

Q: How much more willing were people to help than askers predicted?

Participants expected only about one in four strangers to complete the questionnaire. The actual compliance rate was one in two, so people agreed roughly twice as often as the askers expected.

Q: Why is asking for help so difficult for many people?

People fear rejection and dwell on the reasons another person might refuse. The task felt so daunting that about 20 percent of participants dropped out after reading the instructions rather than approach strangers with requests.

Q: How does expecting rejection affect whether someone asks?

People feel more emboldened to make a request when they believe the other person will agree. When they anticipate rejection, they become less likely to ask, even though they may be underestimating the chance of receiving help.

Q: How did Francis Flynn become interested in the experience of asking?

After college, Flynn worked as a social worker at a homeless center in downtown Oakland. Nonprofit executive directors told him that human services work constantly requires asking people for things, which sparked his continuing interest in requests for help and favors.

Q: What kinds of requests are common in human services work?

The nonprofit executive directors described asking people for charitable donations, asking employees to do more for less, and asking other organizations to cooperate or share resources. They said being comfortable with frequent requests is a major part of the work.

Q: Does predicting compliance change how people make requests?

The researchers asked participants to estimate compliance in only about half of the cases so that predictions would not distort the requesting behavior. Flynn said their evidence indicated that making the estimate did not produce the underestimation effect.

Summary

In this video, the speaker discusses the underestimation people have when it comes to others' willingness to say yes when asked for help. They provide various studies and demonstrations that support this claim. They also explore the factors that influence this underestimation, such as the size and directness of the request. The speaker also addresses the reverse situation of predicting others' help-seeking behavior and how people tend to overestimate how likely others are to ask for help.

Questions & Answers

Q: What is the speaker's personal experience with asking people for things?

The speaker shares a personal story about their experience working as a social worker and considering different career paths. They recall asking executive directors of nonprofit organizations about their work and the surprising importance of being willing to ask people for things in such roles.

Q: Why does the speaker believe people underestimate others' willingness to say yes when asked for help?

The speaker suggests that people underestimate others' willingness to say yes because they focus on the costs of saying yes rather than the benefits or altruistic motivations. They also highlight the differences in perspective between the asker and the person being asked, which can affect their judgments.

Q: How do the speaker's studies demonstrate the underestimation effect?

The speaker conducts various studies where participants have to ask others for things, such as filling out questionnaires, borrowing a cell phone, or walking them to a gym. In these studies, participants consistently underestimate how likely others are to say yes to their requests.

Q: How do the size and directness of a request impact people's expectations?

The speaker manipulates the size and directness of requests in one of their studies. They find that people underestimate the likelihood of getting a positive response when they make direct requests, but overestimate it when they make indirect requests. This suggests that people focus on the perceived magnitude of their ask, while others may focus on the potential awkwardness of saying no.

Q: What advice does the speaker offer in regards to asking people who have previously said no?

The speaker suggests that people often avoid asking those who have previously said no, assuming they will refuse again. However, their studies show that these individuals may actually be more likely to say yes on subsequent requests. Therefore, the speaker advises considering a broader pool of potential help-seekers, including those who have previously refused.

Q: How do people's predictions about help-seeking behavior differ from their predictions about helping others?

The speaker explains that people tend to overestimate how likely others are to seek help from them. They provide examples of teaching assistants and MBA students who overestimate the number of people who would seek their help. This is in contrast to the underestimation of others' willingness to say yes when asked for help.

Q: What explanations do the speaker and their colleagues offer for the underestimation effect?

The speaker suggests that the underestimation effect occurs because people focus on the costs of saying yes, while others may consider the cost of saying no. They also highlight the role of social awkwardness and the different perspectives of the asker and the person being asked.

Q: How does the speaker believe their findings can be applied in practical scenarios?

The speaker suggests that understanding people's underestimation of others' willingness to say yes can be useful in various contexts, such as fundraising campaigns or support programs. They emphasize the importance of considering the way requests are made and adjusting them to minimize social awkwardness and maximize the likelihood of a positive response.

Q: How do people's estimates of how likely others are to ask for help differ from reality?

The speaker's studies show that people tend to overestimate how likely others are to ask for help. They give examples of teaching assistants and MBA students who expected more people to seek their help compared to the actual number of requests they received.

Q: What factors influence people's underestimation of others' willingness to say yes?

The speaker discusses the influence of factors such as the magnitude of the request and the directness of the ask. They show that people's expectations differ based on these factors, highlighting the importance of considering the perspective of the person being asked.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Francis Flynn opened by recounting his early career as a social worker in a downtown Oakland homeless center, where nonprofit executive directors told him the surprising core of human services work is that you constantly have to ask people for things, whether donations, extra effort, or cooperation.

• Working with colleague Vanessa Bond at the University of Toronto, Flynn found that despite ample experience on both sides of requests, people are strikingly bad at predicting compliance and systematically underestimate how likely others are to agree when asked for help or a favor.

• In a field experiment, participants sent to gather five completed questionnaires on the Columbia campus predicted needing about 20 approaches, but every other person actually said yes. Flynn attributes the gap to askers dwelling on the costs of saying yes rather than the responder's cost of saying no.