Are They Pulling Away or Are You Just Anxious? 5 Ways to Know | Summary and Q&A

TL;DR

Evaluate the importance of a person in your life based on how they make you feel, rather than how you feel about them.

Key Insights

• 👉 Evaluating importance in relationships: We should value someone based on how they make us feel, rather than how we feel about them. This helps prevent overinvestment in someone who isn't reciprocating.\
• 🔎 Validating emotions: Many people struggle to determine if their negative feelings about a person's behavior are valid or if they are just feeling anxious. Past experiences of invalidated feelings can cause confusion.\
• ♀️ Finding clarity: Five ways to end confusion when questioning someone's behavior include shifting focus, engaging in activities that bring presence, evaluating behavior on good days, seeking trusted perspectives, and observing feelings instead of inflicting them.\
• 🧐 Evaluating values and reactions: Assessing how a person's behavior makes us feel on our best days can reveal if it conflicts with our values and the kind of relationship we desire. It is essential to consider if our reaction is reasonable.\
• 👧 Seeking reference points: Cousin Billy's secure and drama-free relationship can serve as a reference point for appropriate reactions. Trusted individuals who give honest feedback can help determine what is a significant issue or an overreaction.\
• 🙊 Sharing vulnerability: When sharing feelings about someone's behavior, it is important to observe and express our feelings without inflicting them on the other person. This allows for joint observation and self-reflection.\
• ❓ Assessing compatibility: Rather than focusing on who is right or wrong, the key is to determine if someone is good at handling our vulnerabilities, flaws, and insecurities. A compatible relationship should help us heal and move towards a secure attachment style.\
• 💪 Committing to self-work: Joining Matthew's virtual retreat in June can help individuals develop psychological and emotional fitness, reducing anxiety in relationships and fostering a sense of internal power and worth.

Transcript

Read and summarize the transcript of this video on Glasp Reader (beta).

Questions & Answers

Q: How can overvaluing someone lead to anxiety in a relationship?

Overvaluing someone can lead to anxiety because when we invest too much importance and focus on them, we become more anxious about their actions, which can feed into our insecurities and fears.

Q: How can we differentiate between feeling anxious due to someone's actions and feeling anxious due to personal insecurities?

One way to differentiate is by assessing their behavior when we are feeling confident and connected to our worth. If something still bothers us on our best day, it may conflict with our values and the type of relationship we desire, and it's worth discussing.

Q: How can trusted individuals help us navigate confusion in relationships?

Trusted individuals can act as reference points for appropriate reactions, providing guidance and helping us determine if our reactions are reasonable. They can offer valuable insights and help us gain perspective on the situation.

Q: How can observing our feelings with someone rather than inflicting them on them improve our relationships?

Sharing our vulnerabilities with someone is important, but observing our feelings together instead of inflicting them allows for open communication and understanding. It allows for a healthier conversation without blame or aggression, fostering a more supportive and constructive relationship.

Q: Why is it important to assess if someone is good at handling us in a relationship?

Assessing if someone is good at handling us means evaluating how they react and behave when we share our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and anxieties. The right relationship helps us heal and grow, while the wrong one exacerbates our anxieties. Compatibility lies in finding someone who is capable of handling and supporting all aspects of who we are.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Many people overvalue someone they're attracted to, leading to anxiety and confusion.

• It's important to differentiate between feeling anxious because someone did something wrong or feeling anxious due to personal insecurities.

• Five ways to end confusion: shift focus, assess behavior when feeling confident, use trusted people as reference points, observe feelings with the person, and ask if they are good at handling your vulnerabilities.