Should You Cut Someone Out of Your Life for Avoidant Attachment? | Mel Robbins Podcast Clips

TL;DR

Understanding avoidant attachment can help you decide whether to keep someone in your life with compassion, clearer boundaries and realistic expectations. Avoidantly attached people may withdraw because intimacy feels overwhelming, threatening or suffocating, then later miss the relationship and grieve. Both people still need accountability, communication and support from other relationships, so read on for practical ways to navigate this dynamic.

Transcript

what I love about what you're teaching us is I think that we've gotten to this point especially when you look at content on social media where there's so much of a push to cut people out of your life to label that sort of stonewalling is the word that you just use but you know if you think about it from the standpoint of somebody that has trauma in... Read More

Key Insights

• "the more that your needs are met elsewhere the more you can be flexible with the person that's more avoidant right" (1:39)
• "it's okay that you need boundaries around intimacy and it's okay that intimacy scares you but you also need to fill people in" (2:13)
• "the goal isn't to be at a relationship at all cost it's to like be in a relationship that elevates you and helps you Express who you are and you know makes you feel happier" (3:24)
• "once they have that space that deactivating side moves away and they tend to look back on these relationships and miss them and feel lonely and realize that they do also really need connection" (4:18)

Questions & Answers

Q: Should you cut someone out of your life for withdrawing or stonewalling?

Not necessarily. Withdrawal may be an avoidantly attached person's way of protecting themselves when emotions or intimacy feel overwhelming, so understanding the behavior can help you respond with compassion rather than immediately ending the relationship.

Q: How can you maintain a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style?

Try to have your emotional needs met across other relationships instead of depending on one avoidantly attached person for everything. Feeling secure, valued and able to be vulnerable elsewhere can make you more flexible when that person needs space.

Q: What should an avoidantly attached person say when they need space?

They should explain that they feel overwhelmed, state how much time they need and say when they will return to the conversation. The example given is asking for about a week before coming back to talk, instead of disappearing without communication.

Q: Why does ghosting hurt people in an avoidant attachment dynamic?

Ghosting leaves the other person without information about what is happening or whether communication will resume. The transcript says needing boundaries around intimacy is acceptable, but the avoidantly attached person still needs to fill others in.

Q: How do anxious and avoidant attachment patterns differ?

Anxiously attached people tend to focus heavily on others and may sacrifice their own needs or sense of self. Avoidantly attached people tend to prioritize their own needs while paying less attention to how their withdrawal affects others.

Q: What is the goal of a healthy relationship according to Dr. Franco?

The goal is not to remain in a relationship at all costs. It is to have a relationship that elevates you, helps you express who you are and makes you feel happier.

Q: Why do avoidantly attached people pull away from intimacy?

They may experience intimacy as a threat involving possible harm, judgment, betrayal or rejection. When that threat response takes over, they can feel suffocated, need boundaries and use distance or ghosting to create space.

Q: Can someone have more than one attachment style?

Yes. Dr. Franco says a person can have a different attachment style in each relationship, depending on the other person's behavior and the relationship dynamic.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• Attachment styles are shaped by past experiences and can lead to patterns of behavior in relationships.

• Anxiously attached individuals tend to be overly dependent on others, while avoidantly attached individuals fear intimacy and vulnerability.

• It is important to have your needs met in multiple relationships and to challenge avoidantly attached individuals to communicate their boundaries.