F*ck The Spark And Other Ways To Not Die Alone | SXSW Online 2021

TL;DR

In this talk, a dating coach shares her personal journey and offers insights on breaking common dating myths, such as the idea of a "type," the importance of the initial spark, and the illusion of happily ever after. She emphasizes the need for intentional decision-making and investing in relationships.

Transcript

I once swipe left on my husband on Tinder. It was about eight years ago and the dating apps were new. I saw this guy who I recognized a little bit from college. We had met seven years before, but I decided that he seemed like too much of a bro. And I didn't think that we'd have a lot in common and so I swiped left. At the time I was single and I wa... Read More

Key Insights

• 🤗 Being open-minded and breaking away from preconceived "types" can lead to finding unexpected compatibility.
• 💖 The initial spark on a first date does not necessarily determine long-term compatibility, and relationships can grow over time.
• 💡 Relationships require continuous effort, and the idea of "happily ever after" can be misleading.
• 👋 Prioritizing loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and focusing on what brings out the best in each partner contribute to relationship success.

Questions & Answers

Q: What is the main lesson the speaker learned from her experience with a dating coach?

The speaker realized that she had been chasing after people who were not interested in her, and through working with a dating coach, she discovered her desired partner qualities. This insight led her to recognize a friend from work as the one who made her feel desired, accepted, appreciated, and secure, ultimately leading to their marriage.

Q: How can someone change their approach to finding a partner?

The speaker advises being open-minded and changing filters on dating apps to broaden the pool of potential matches. She also encourages being more open-minded about going on dates with people who may not fit one's usual "type." Instead of seeking instant sparks, she suggests giving time for a slow burn to develop and focusing on long-term compatibility.

Q: What is the "happily ever after fallacy" the speaker mentions?

The happily ever after fallacy refers to the mistaken belief that finding a partner is the end goal and that relationships will naturally lead to long-term happiness. The speaker explains that relationships require continuous effort and investment from both partners, challenging the idea that finding someone is the hard part.

Q: How can someone determine if they are in the right relationship?

The speaker suggests asking oneself how their partner makes them feel and using the "wardrobe test" question: If their partner were a piece of clothing in their closet, what would they be? This helps uncover deeper feelings about the relationship and whether it aligns with long-term goals. Additionally, assessing if the relationship is based on loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and a growth mindset can provide insights into its viability.

Key Insights:

• Being open-minded and breaking away from preconceived "types" can lead to finding unexpected compatibility.
• The initial spark on a first date does not necessarily determine long-term compatibility, and relationships can grow over time.
• Relationships require continuous effort, and the idea of "happily ever after" can be misleading.
• Prioritizing loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and focusing on what brings out the best in each partner contribute to relationship success.
• Intentional decision-making and investing in relationships are crucial for finding and sustaining love.

Summary & Key Takeaways

• The speaker shares her experience of swiping left on her now-husband on Tinder and realizing her pattern of pursuing people who were not interested in her. Seeking help from a dating coach, she identified her desired partner qualities and discovered that her friend from work fit the bill.

• She highlights three common dating myths: the idea of a "type," the significance of the initial spark, and the belief in happily ever after. She encourages being open-minded, giving potential partners a chance, and focusing on long-term compatibility rather than short-term chemistry.

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of intentional love and investing in relationships. She suggests adopting a growth mindset, prioritizing loyalty and kindness, and recognizing that relationships require effort and continuous communication.