Dec 03, 2024
6 min read
01. The Paradox of Self-Improvement: Wanting to improve without understanding ourselves
“How can I become a better version of myself today?”
This is a question that resonates with anyone on the journey of self-improvement. Yet, not many people truly understand their current “self.” What are their likes and dislikes? What are their habits? What do they genuinely want and need?
This is the greatest paradox of self-improvement: we strive to change and move forward, yet we seldom spend time understanding who we are. When I realized this, it dawned on me: my self-awareness was incredibly shallow.
I don’t think I’m alone in this. Many others, if they were to reflect, would likely come to the same conclusion.
2. Spending time on everything else but ourselves
The bigger problem is that many of us don’t even recognize the need to understand ourselves.
Scrolling through Twitter for funny tweets is more entertaining. Watching TikToks, Instagram Reels, or YouTube Shorts is far more engaging. In today’s distracted society, we’ve lost connection with ourselves and often fear facing our inner selves.
That fear is so overwhelming that some people feel the need to turn on the TV or play music when they’re home alone, just to fill the silence. Others resort to extreme distractions. The lengths people go to avoid confronting themselves are astonishing.
Why? Because we are imperfect creatures, riddled with flaws and personal struggles. While we all know this, we often choose to cover up our shortcomings by pointing out the flaws in others.
But ignoring our weaknesses also means overlooking our strengths. It’s not entirely your fault — or mine — because we live in an age where attention is a currency. The world around us is engineered to grab our attention every minute of every day.
It’s easy to see how many people fall into the “attention trap” on social media. We spend hours delving into other people’s lives, consuming short-form entertainment, or experiencing FOMO whenever a trending topic comes up.
When all our time and energy are consumed by the external world, it’s no surprise that we neglect ourselves. This disconnection makes every decision in life feel like a gamble.
Yet life is fundamentally a series of choices centered around understanding ourselves — from choosing what to eat or wear each day to selecting a school, a career, or a life partner.
3. What happens when we understand ourselves?
Have you ever felt lost and unclear about the path you wanted to take, the goals you wanted to achieve, and the destination you aimed to reach.
If you’ve felt this way, that sense of uncertainty may also make you feel unsteady, insecure, and hesitant because you’re fundamentally unsure about everything.
This can leave your life stagnant. And even if you make progress, there’s a high chance you’ll head in the wrong direction and end up back at square one.
Here are three benefits of taking the time to listen to and understand yourself:
Eliminating ambiguity in life:
Uncertainty often induces fear because we crave control and understanding to feel safe and stable. Ambiguity can cause anxiety, stress, and unease. The primary goal of self-understanding is to eliminate this uncertainty and vagueness.
2. Living decisively:
I once agreed to participate in an interview with a friend of a friend I barely knew (yes, it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?). At the time, I thought expanding my network was always a good idea. But looking back, I realize it was a waste of time because I hadn’t yet defined my goals or the relationships I truly needed in life.
Once you know what you want, it becomes easier to say “yes” to opportunities that align with your goals and “no” to unnecessary distractions. This decisiveness saves time and energy while increasing your chances of success.
3. Changing how you view failure:
Understanding yourself changes how you perceive failure by turning it into a tool for growth. When you know your true goals and strengths, setbacks become opportunities to refine your approach rather than reasons for self-doubt.
Self-awareness helps you separate your self-worth from outcomes, making it easier to ask, “What can I learn from this?” With this perspective, failure is no longer an endpoint but a stepping stone toward achieving goals that truly align with who you are.
4. How do we understand ourselves?
Now, you might say, “Understanding myself sounds great, but how do I start?” This could be a topic for an entire book, but here are four essential questions to begin your journey of self-discovery.
Who are you?
This foundational question helps answer the others. It means asking, “What kind of person am I?” (Describe your personality traits, mindset, and habitual actions.) What do you like and dislike? What are your strengths and weaknesses?
2. Who do you want to become? From the descriptions above, identify the person you aspire to be — the best version of yourself, with enhanced strengths and minimized weaknesses. Use someone you admire as a reference to answer this question.
3. Do you truly want what you think you want? Have you ever questioned whether you really want the things you desire?
Do you genuinely want the items on sale during events like 11.11 or Black Friday?
Do you really want a luxury car or a mansion because it’s YOUR definition of success, not society’s?
Is shopping excessively YOUR way of loving yourself, or is it simply what others want you to do?
There are countless issues to reflect on. This question is vital because we often desire what society conditions us to want. Take a moment to ask if you truly want something for yourself. Doing so will save you time, effort, and money chasing after unnecessary things.
4. What are you willing to endure? This question comes from The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck* by Mark Manson. He asks, “What pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for?”
Mark argues that we all want similar things — material comfort, an ideal partner, success, and recognition. But what sets us apart is what we’re willing to endure to achieve those things.
Success often comes with long hours, sacrifices of personal time, and immense effort. Those who can endure these challenges are the ones who stand out.
Take a moment to consider: What kind of challenges are you willing to accept? How far can you push through mental and physical exhaustion?Answering this will not only deepen your self-awareness but also establish a commitment crucial to building your career — or simply your approach to life.
5. Conclusion
Understanding yourself is a journey that can take years. But just thinking about embarking on this journey takes you halfway there.
The four questions above will help clear the initial fog on your path. Additionally, if you genuinely want to live a meaningful life, this is a necessary undertaking for your personal development.