The Politeness of Saying Things We Don't Mean and the Power of Starting Writing

The Politeness of Saying Things We Don't Mean and the Power of Starting Writing

Have you ever found yourself saying things you don't really mean? Maybe you've caught yourself using phrases like "I'll just help myself to a cookie - thanks!" or "Can you run up and grab that for me?". These statements may not accurately reflect what we actually want, but they serve a purpose in maintaining politeness. It turns out that one of the overarching principles of politeness is downplaying any imposition we're causing. By using verbs that refer to transient motion, we imply that whatever we're asking will be completed quickly and painlessly. It's like saying "I'm just going to jump in the shower" when, in reality, that action may result in injury.

Interestingly, this phenomenon is not unique to the English language. In other European languages like Italian and Dutch, speakers use affixes to make nouns conceptually smaller and their requests less burdensome. For example, an Italian customer service representative might ask you to wait "un momentino" (a little moment), while a Dutch friend might trouble you for "een slokje" (a little sip) of your cold beer on a hot day. The use of these linguistic devices helps to soften the request and make it seem less imposing.

However, the use of minimization in all its forms comes with a caveat. When someone asks for "a few minutes of your time" or promises to complete a task in "just a moment," it can be particularly irritating when their definition of "a few" or "just a moment" is significantly different from ours. This highlights the importance of being honest and straightforward in our communication. There are situations where it's best to cut the crap and be clear about our intentions.

On the other hand, there is power in saying things we don't mean. In the creative process, for example, it can be liberating to embrace the idea of doing things badly. As one artist shared, they made a rule for themselves: "Do it badly." The reasoning behind this rule was that even if they were doing something badly, it was still better than not doing it at all. By adopting this mindset, they were able to play around with the creative process, less concerned with trying to perfect everything. This playfulness and openness led to unexpected results and motivated them to keep going.

The lesson here is that in both polite communication and creative endeavors, the only real waste is not trying. It's important to find a balance between being polite and being honest, knowing when it's appropriate to soften our requests and when it's better to be direct. Likewise, in creative pursuits, starting is often the hardest part. But once we give ourselves permission to do things badly and embrace the process, we open ourselves up to new possibilities and the motivation to keep going.

To put these insights into action, here are three actionable pieces of advice:

1. Be mindful of the language you use when making requests. Consider whether you are unintentionally downplaying the imposition you might be causing. Strive for honesty and clarity in your communication.

2. When embarking on a creative endeavor, give yourself permission to do things badly. Don't strive for perfection from the start. Embrace the process, play around, and allow yourself to make mistakes.

3. Remember that the only real waste is not trying. Whether it's in your interactions with others or your personal pursuits, take the leap and give it a shot. You never know what you might discover or achieve.

In conclusion, saying things we don't mean can be a polite way to downplay impositions, but it's important to strike a balance between politeness and honesty. Similarly, starting is often the hardest part in creative endeavors, but giving yourself permission to do things badly can lead to unexpected results and motivation to keep going. So, don't be afraid to speak up honestly and embrace the process of starting something new. After all, if you can make a person laugh, you can make them do anything.