This is why 90% of relationships don't last | Esther Perel (You can need to know this) | Summary and Q&A

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February 14, 2019
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Absolute Motivation
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This is why 90% of relationships don't last | Esther Perel (You can need to know this)

TL;DR

Love and desire involve a balance of closeness and space, with factors such as radiance, absence, surprise, and the perspective of others contributing to attraction.

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Key Insights

  • 🥰 Love and desire require a balance of closeness and space, with a psychological distance contributing to attraction.
  • 🧑 Absence and longing amplify desire by stimulating imagination and deepening the meaning of the person.
  • 😮 Surprises and novelty keep desire alive, as they introduce change and different facets of the partner.

Transcript

what we often think is that once we commit your mind and the long series of songs and poetry's and proverbs that have fed a kind of romantic possessiveness have often led us astray the verb for love is to have the verb for desire is to want and to want requires us sometimes to have a little bit of a psychological distance a sense of otherness a bri... Read More

Questions & Answers

Q: What are the factors that draw us to our partner, even when not sexually attracted?

Psychological distance, the sense of otherness, and curiosity contribute to attraction. When the partner radiates confidence and becomes momentarily unknown, it sparks curiosity and exploration.

Q: How does absence and longing affect desire?

Absence creates longing, allowing us to engage our imagination about the person and what they mean to us. It deepens our appreciation and understanding of the person's presence and our connection with them.

Q: Why does surprise play a role in desire?

Surprise brings novelty, change, and difference, which are vital components of desire. When our partner behaves differently or shows vulnerability, it can spark attraction and interest.

Q: Why is it important to recognize that our partner exists in the gaze of others?

Not owning our partner and recognizing their existence in the gaze of others enhances desire. It prevents possessiveness and allows for freedom and individuality within the relationship.

Summary & Key Takeaways

  • Love and desire require a psychological distance between partners, with a sense of otherness and curiosity leading to attraction.

  • Absence and longing play a role in desire, allowing imagination to flourish and the meaning of the person to deepen.

  • Surprise and novelty contribute to desire, as they reveal different sides of the partner.

  • Recognizing that a partner exists in the gaze of others and cannot be owned enhances desire and prevents possessiveness.

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