in Western popular culture, we learn from a young age to model and emulate these behaviors. Family and cultural traditions can dictate what is expected of us throughout life, particularly among women, which can elicit anxiety when those benchmarks aren’t reached. When people are rewarded and celebrated for graduating from college or getting married, we internalize these events as being desirable. Thus, people can feel pressured to fit an assumed mold or fear being alienated when bucking convention.

“What researchers have found is that people conform their behaviors to those around us, mostly to gain acceptance,” says Daryl Van Tongeren, an associate professor of psychology at Hope College. “So a lot of times, we go along doing what other people do because we want to fit in, we want to be accepted, we want to be liked.”

When culture provides limited road maps for the future, these life events can seem nonnegotiable.

When life is full of “shoulds” — you should go to college, get married, buy a nice house, have kids, become the boss, etc. — there is very little room for improvisation.

To home in on the events and activities that make your life meaningful, you have to get to the root of your motivations.

Remember, your self-worth isn’t measured by validation and acceptance from other

“It’s not about asking the question, ‘What do you want out of life?’ which sets you up for external measurements again, and some kind of ‘measured entity’ or ‘output,’” Sharma says. “Instead, ask yourself: ‘What do I enjoy about life?’”

Or, if you and your partner are wondering if you should get married, each of you should reflect on what shaped your views of marriage. Did your parents constantly fight and you fear your marriage might be similarly mired in conflict? Do you want to get married because all your friends are doing so and you feel left out? Having answers to these questions can help you move forward authentically.