I Wish You'd Listen! Why Arguing (Properly) is Good for Your Relationship

Tara H

Tara H

Oct 03, 20234 min read


I Wish You'd Listen! Why Arguing (Properly) is Good for Your Relationship

In any relationship, arguments are bound to happen. They can often be seen as negative and destructive, leading to tension and resentment. However, when done properly, arguing can actually be beneficial for your relationship. It allows for open communication, problem-solving, and growth. In fact, there are five broad categories of arguments that can contribute to a healthier partnership.

The first category is how we communicate. Effective communication is crucial in any relationship. Arguments can arise from misunderstandings, misinterpretations, or simply not being able to express oneself clearly. By arguing about communication, couples can identify areas of improvement and work on better understanding each other's needs and perspectives.

The second category revolves around how we deal with our families. Family dynamics can often create tension between partners. Disagreements may arise when it comes to spending time with extended family, handling family conflicts, or even making decisions about starting a family of your own. By openly discussing these issues and finding common ground, couples can navigate the complexities of familial relationships and strengthen their bond.

The third category focuses on how we deal with chores. Household responsibilities can be a major source of conflict in relationships. Arguments about who does what, how tasks are divided, and how responsibilities are shared can lead to frustration and resentment. By engaging in productive arguments, couples can establish fair and equitable systems for managing household chores, reducing stress and promoting harmony.

The fourth category centers around how we manage distance. Whether it's due to work, travel, or other commitments, physical and emotional distance can strain a relationship. Arguments about how to maintain connection, prioritize quality time, and manage individual needs can help couples find ways to bridge the gap and stay connected even when apart.

The fifth and final category explores how we feel about each other's bodies. Body image and physical intimacy are sensitive topics that can impact a relationship. Arguments surrounding self-esteem, attraction, and desires can be difficult but necessary for growth. By addressing these insecurities and concerns, couples can foster a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other, enhancing their physical and emotional connection.

Now, let's shift our focus to another insightful perspective on personal growth and mastery. Scott H Young, a prominent author and speaker, suggests that variability, not repetition, is the key to mastery. While Bruce Lee famously stated that practicing one kick 10,000 times is the path to mastery, Young challenges this notion.

Young argues that repetition alone does not guarantee mastery. Instead, he emphasizes the importance of variability in learning. By exposing ourselves to different contexts, challenges, and approaches, we develop a more comprehensive understanding and adaptability in our chosen field. This concept can be applied to various aspects of life, including relationships.

When it comes to relationships, variability is essential for growth and development. Engaging in repetitive patterns and routines can lead to stagnation and complacency. By exploring new experiences, perspectives, and activities together, couples can inject freshness and excitement into their relationship. This not only prevents monotony but also cultivates a sense of adventure and shared growth.

However, it's important to note that repetition still holds value in certain contexts. In martial arts, for example, repetition is crucial for perfecting specific moves and techniques. It lays the foundation for muscle memory and precision. Therefore, while variability is essential for overall growth, repetition has its place in honing specific skills.

Incorporating these insights into our relationships, we can draw actionable advice to enhance our connection and personal growth:

  • 1. Embrace healthy arguments: Instead of avoiding arguments, learn to engage in productive and respectful discussions. View arguments as opportunities for growth, understanding, and finding solutions.
  • 2. Embrace variability: Seek out new experiences and perspectives to inject freshness and excitement into your relationship. Engage in activities together that challenge you and promote personal growth.
  • 3. Embrace repetition selectively: Recognize the value of repetition in specific areas of your relationship. Practice and perfect certain skills or routines to enhance communication, intimacy, and overall harmony.

In conclusion, arguing properly can be a positive force in relationships. By addressing common themes such as communication, family dynamics, chores, distance, and body image, couples can foster open communication, problem-solving, and growth. Additionally, incorporating the concept of variability and selectively using repetition can further enhance personal growth and connection. So, next time you find yourself in an argument, remember that it can be an opportunity for growth and understanding, leading to a stronger and healthier relationship.


  1. "I wish you’d listen! Why arguing (properly) is good for your relationship", https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/17/why-arguing-properly-is-good-for-your-relationship?ref=refind (Glasp)
  2. "Variability, Not Repetition, is the Key to Mastery - Scott H Young", https://www.scotthyoung.com/blog/2022/10/26/variable-mastery/?utm_source=substack (Glasp)

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