Top Highlights

• I was surprised to discover that none of these techniques worked very well. It wasn’t that they weren’t ever effective—individuals who learned to listen, shared their feelings more openly, and treated others with greater love and respect often experienced immediate and dramatic improvements in their relationships with other people. But these indivi...
• Twelve Motives That Compete with Love Power and Control. Power and control top my list. Consider Harry and Brenda. Harry seems more interested in power and control than intimacy. The control is far more important to him than getting close to her. Love isn’t at the top of his priority list because he finds aggression and domination so gratifying. Ha...
• crossbow. He smiled, calmly aimed the crossbow, and pulled the trigger. One of the young men fell and bled to death on the shoulder of the road when the arrow severed his aorta. Neil reloaded and pulled the trigger again. The other young man ended up a paraplegic when Neil’s second arrow severed his spinal cord. Neil fled the scene but was eventual...
• label some person or group as inferior or defective. It makes you feel like you’re okay and gives you a crystal clear explanation for the problems that are plaguing you. For example, in a dysfunctional family, a spouse or a child may get labeled as the “bad one.” The scapegoated family member gets blamed for all the family’s problems. This allows t...
• relationships with them. This mind-set makes you feel self-righteous and morally superior. In addition, it lets you off the hook because you don’t have to examine your own role in the problem, and you don’t have to feel guilty. Sometimes the real problem is not so much that the other person really is to blame, but rather, the fact that you’re blami...